Beyondabsurdity

The world changed a little bit this weekend...

2011-06-27T13:02:00.016-04:00

Clearly, I'm not much of a blogger these days. With both a two-year-old and a very cramped deadlines-calendar keeping me busy, the writing life isn't really leaving me much room to do what I used to do here in my corner of the interwebs. Maybe one day I'll get back to it, right now I'm just happy to have a place to drop in the occassional entry on matters that really need some expressing.

Two huge events happened this past weekend. One regarding the macrocosm, the other just affected my microverse of downtown storytellers, but both touched my heart in profound ways that will leave me forever changed.

First off, gay marriage is now legal in NY! To see justice and decency prevail in the state that I consider home overwhelms me with happiness. I'll admit I'm not the most leftest leftee in the world and I'm open to discussion on many different issues, but this one I've always only seen one way and I've been very frank in dismissing anyone who considers otherwise. I've never bought the "state's rights" argument, I don't care about people's religious views in regards to gay marraige since in my opinion church and state should stay the fuck away from eachother, and I'm constantly ashamed that in 2011 there are still people so backwards that they're willing to pass hate-legislation like Prop 8. To me, this has always been about freedom, allowing everyone a chance to "life, liberty, and happiness". If you disagree with me, please, I encourage you to defriend me now because I personally have a zero-tolerance policy for anyone who would deny the people I love a chance to marry the people they love.

The second huge event was the closing of The Battle Ranch, my company's home of four years (even longer if you consider the years we used it when it was still under someone else's management as Studio 111). It was our playground where I created my shows, taught people how to fight (both in stage combat and at times in self-defense), an affordable rehearsal hall for all our downtown peers, and, easily the most important element to me, a place to showcase and celebrate my favorite artists in NYC at the show/party that gave me my real "MFA" in theatre, THE SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON! It breaks my heart that it's now gone, but the memories and lessons I learned from that small box in Bushwick I will carry with me forever. Thank you to anyone and everyone who walked through the Battle Ranch's doors, you made it my home.

In case you were curious, this is the origins of The Battle Ranch (From a blog interview Michael Criscoulo did with me a few years ago):

I ain’t gonna lie - I wish I could say I was the one who thought of it, but all cred goes to my wife and our company’s producer, Abby Marcus. The Battle Ranch was her brain child. If you know my wife, you know that she’s a girlie with a lotta passion and a lotta heart. And that heart of hers truly beats for Indie Theater. Seriously, I’ve never met someone so relentless in wanting to promote Off-Off Broadway. And I only say this to help explain how The Battle Ranch came into being because it all goes hand in hand with her dedication to the Indie Theater movement.
When Vampire Cowboys first began, we had very little in the coffers just like any other small theatre starting out. And instead of trying to shell it out to tiny little holes out in Manhattan, Abby decided to bring us out to Williamsburg, Brooklyn to rehearse. There, we were able to work at Studio 111, a large beautifully maintained space that not only was available for only $10 an hour, it also gave us free storage so we didn’t have to tote our many weapons, props, and costumes back and forth at every rehearsal. It essentially gave us an affordable home. And it was here that Vampire Cowboys was able to grow and develop all our shows.
However two years ago, Tanya and Ken, the two curators of the space needed to let it go. And instead of letting it die, Abby corralled all of Vampire Cowboys together and announced that she wanted to take it over. Our response was a bit of a raised eyebrow. One, we could now easily afford rehearsal rental at any hall we wanted in the city. Two, this was a huge financial risk. And three, her plan involved keeping the rental price of the space down at $10 an hour, meaning that there was no way we would ever see any kind of profit from this venture, only potential loss. So why the risk? Why add the burden of running a space on top of our already busy schedules at producing shows? Because it was important, she insisted. Her mantra, “It’s not about the money, it’s about the community. Don’t you think it’s important that others have the same opportunities we had when we first started? We can’t let another affordable space disappear in NYC. It’s for the good of all. We have to do this. Cause if we don’t, we’re just making it harder for everyone else.”
And so, she won. And after two years of seeing all the good it has produced, I thank God she did. Countless numbers of small companies regularly rehearse there and the work that has come out of The Battle Ranch has been awesome. It’s also the home of “The Saturday Night Saloon”, our monthly show we produce during the fall and winter of serialized plays. And the sense of Indie Theater comrade we’ve been able to help promote has been incredible. As most know, since opening the space, we have had to move The Battle Ranch once (since our landlord decided to gut the original building and turn it into apartments), but the spirit and community still thrives in the new Battle Ranch. Again, it was a gamble, but one that has thoroughly paid off.
As for how it got its name . . . that's a question you have to ask Abby.

I just wanted to share that with you guys. Losing the Battle Ranch makes me sad and it made me really sad that I couldn't be there to close the old home this past weekend, but the thing that really breaks my heart is the person who dreamt it all up couldn't be there either. The Battle Ranch and all the things that came from it all started with Abby's vision that a small little box in Bushwick could be something profound...or at least be a really great place to throw a party. Thank you, Abby, for creating a place for all of us to play. I love you, my beautiful wife (Thank God they legalized interracial marriage years ago...yep, another "issue" many churches also had a problem with back in the day).

My next show...

2011-02-13T22:19:00.003-05:00

Please come see this. This is literally the best piece of theatre I've ever created. Seriously. Runs March 24 thru April 16 at Incubator Arts Project.
More info at vampirecowboys.com

Vampire Cowboys return for a 9th Season!!!

2010-09-01T22:34:00.007-04:00

Yep, that's right, Vamp Fans! We're back! And this season's a big one! After eight years of blowing up the NYC theatre scene with our special brand of geek theatre, this season we're taking our genre-bending pop-culture irreverence and using it to tackle a true-life story with our Spring 2011 show, "The Inexplicable Redemption of Agent G". Using autobiographical indie comics like Harvey Pekar's "American Splendor", Alison Bechdel's "Fun Home", Art Spiegelman's "Maus" as a starting point of inspiration with a heavy dose of mischevious fun from books like "Scott Pilgrim" and Gene Yang's ABC mixed in, we're out to bend some theatrical genres this time, not just cinematic ones. But make no mistake, this is not going to be the typical talking-heads historical dramatizations one usually finds onstage. This is Vampire Cowboys afterall, so expect all the innovative action, bad boy clowning, and clever dialogue you can always expect from the undead wranglers of the theatre.

But before we get to Agent G, we start the season off by bringing back our extremely popular show/party, THE SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON, for a fourth season (begins September 18th!). As always, the show's free, the all-you-can-drink beer (or until we run out) is $5, and for this year we'll be rocking it out every third Saturday of the month from September thru January. Who do we have this year? Here's the lineup!!!

THE GHOST OF HENDERSON MANOR
written & directed by Temar Underwood

CONTROL ROOM
by Mac Rogers; directed by Jordana Williams

DEATH VALLEY
created by Adam Scott Mazer & Dan Rogers

STARBOAT
by James Comtois; directed by Pete Boisvert

JACK O'HANRAHAN & THE ONE-SIDED WINDOW
by Brent Cox; directed by Padraic Lillis & Courtney Wetzel

KILLER HIGH
by Crystal Skillman; directed by Hope Cartelli

VC will also be returning to the NY Comic Con with a booth and performances. And, finally, before the season ends, we have a couple of other surprises we're keeping secret for now.

So get ready to party it up with VC! We're ready to play!

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Closed...for now

2010-04-10T22:10:00.007-04:00

Thank you, everyone, for making "Alice in Slasherland" such a truly amazing experience. It's been one of the most fun projects I've ever worked on. Seriously. From gore FX to swearing teddy bears to watching cast members crack each other up, this production has been like a two-month party. It's a bummer to see it close.
But, between you and me, I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll hear from Vampire Cowboys' bloodiest show yet. I mean, what self-respecting slasher ever really stays dead, right? (Insert evil laughter) See you soon, VC Nation! We love ya!

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Sold Out!

2010-04-05T10:00:00.006-04:00

That's right, Vamp Fans! For the third straight year, you've once again completely sold out the ENTIRE RUN of another Vampire Cowboys show! And I have to say that I am feeling absolutely overwhelmed and moved by your continued support and love for the work we’ve been doing. In our short history, you’ve sold out performance after performance of our productions including last season’s Off-Broadway run of “Soul Samurai”, “Fight Girl Battle World”, “Living Dead in Denmark”, “Vampire Cowboy Trilogy”, and now “Alice in Slasherland”. I can truly say that all of us here at Vampire Cowboys appreciates each and every one of you. Thank you, VC Nation, for allowing us to entertain you. Thank you for giving us a home in New York theatre. And personally I want to also thank you immensely for allowing my voice as a playwright to be heard. You’ve allowed me and my company to write and create shows the way we’ve always wanted to make them regardless of our race, age, experience, sex, or sexual preference. Each time you sit in our houses, you prove that an audience will in fact, not just accept, but be hungry to see an artist-of-color (like myself and many of our actors) do work that doesn’t just center on our ethnicity, that when done correctly theatre can attract a sizable younger geekier tech-savvy mainstream audience, and that nontraditional theatre audience will in fact cheer for a Black, Asian, Latino, Gay/Lesbian, Transgendered, or female superhero without the story having to draw attention to or making a political or social issue out of the matter. To some, that's pretty revolutionary. It's, as they say, "a big fuckin' deal". And who knows, maybe one day with all of you at our side, we'll be able to bring this VC brand of entertainment to a much larger audience through new mediums and grander productions (Or, at least, have enough money to extend a show for once). I won’t say that we’re the only company out there trying to do this (I always hate it when folks claim they’re the first or only group doing something when those kinds of assertions are rarely ever true), but I will say that your support of Vampire Cowboys does prove that this kind of work is not only wanted or needed in entertainment, but that it can also be quite successful and have a strong and loyal following. Thank you. It’s inspiring and humbling to know that you have our back. We love you all, whether you’re new to VC Nation or have been with us since the very beginning, YOU are the heart and soul of Vampire Cowboys. And we are honored to have your asses in our seats.

Now as for all you procrastinators out there that didn’t end up getting your tickets in time (And I'm not saying that with any kinda hate cause I've definitely been guilty in waiting until the last minute too), if you still haven't seen the show and still wanna find a way to squeeze into the theatre, the box office opens at 4pm at Here Arts Center. You can go by and put your name on the daily wait-list. We always have a handful of house seats (seats we hold in case of emergency) that we release to be sold on the day of the performance. It's first come, first serve. So don't give up just yet, young Jedi, you still can get your geek on with the undead wranglers! You just gotta do it old school style by waiting in line. Much love to you all! You mean the world to us. Truly.

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: The Trailer

2010-04-01T09:00:00.002-04:00

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Jeremy Arambulo Artwork!

2010-04-01T03:40:00.006-04:00

Check out the "Alice in Slasherland" artwork above created by the always awesome Jeremy Arambulo. We're big fans of his, as should you be. After digging on his mad skills above, go to his website where you can buy and read some of his original offerings of visual awesomeness. He's the shit, yo. Fo' reals.

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: The Reviews

2010-03-31T20:19:00.025-04:00

Holy crap, Vamp Fans! After two weeks of soldout performances, cheering crowds, and literally gallons and gallons of fake blood being sprayed everywhere, the reviews are now in and, as it turns out, Vampire Cowboys’ most outrageous show yet isn’t just getting gangsta fist bumps from our sexy-ass audience members, them feisty New York critics are also throwing us some mad love as well. This has been a tremendously fun show to put together. The cast, crew, and creatives for this new bloody ride of mine are all friggin' brilliant and have inspired me all along the way. I love'em. But most importantly, I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you, our beloved Vamp Fans. Whether you're new to VC Nation or have been rockin' it out with the undead wranglers since the beginning, thank you so much for coming out and checking out my crazy mad imagination. It means the world to me and all the VC peeps to have your support and your attendance in our house. You fuckin' rock and we love ya. Like mad. Fo' reals!

Gleefully silly! Action-packed! A sly, self-referential comedy!
- Jason Zinoman, THE NEW YORK TIMES

Easily the most fun you'll have Off-Off Broadway!
Theatrical Brilliance! A Critic's Pick!
- David Cote, TIME OUT NEW YORK

Razor-sharp, pop-culture informed comedy! Crackles with wit! A Critic's Pick!
- Will Fulton, NYTHEATRE.COM

Absolute wizardry! A production that should be seen by all!
- Doug Strassler, OFFOFFONLINE

The loudest howls come from the audience! Hilarious!
- Patricia Contino, FLAVORPILL NYC

Directed with maximum sass and stage blood! Treads where "Scream" and "Scary Movie" have not boldly gone before!
- Michael Schulman, THE NEW YORKER

Reminds you that theatre can actually still be fun! Don't waste your chance to see it!
- Mark Peikert, NYPRESS

The perfect vehicle to take those friends to that "never like theater"!
- Amanda Cooper, CURTAIN UP!

Witty and engaging! Extremely Fun!
- Dan Bacalzo, THEATERMANIA

Hilarious! Geeky! Gory! A knockout!
- Jon Sobel, BLOGCRITICS

Delightful, delicious, and delovely! Not to be missed!
- Tzipora Kaplan, THEATRE IS EASY

Great fun! Even geezers like me can dig it! A don’t miss!
- Lawrence Harbison, SMITH AND KRAUS

A side-splitting, awe-inspiring, exciting escapade! Better than a movie by Tim Burton!
- Cindy Pierre, STAGE AND CINEMA

Blood and Guts Thrills! Contagious Fun!
- Patrick Lee, JUST SHOWS TO GO YOU

Motherfucking crazy serious deadly funny!
- Aaron Riccio, THAT SOUNDS COOL!

A laugh-out-loud smorgasbord of horrible hilarity! Fiendishly funny!
- Shawn C. Harris, STAGE AND CINEMA

A sanguinary, sexy slash of a time!
- Jimmy Aquino, COMIC NEWS INSIDER

A geeky kid’s theater dream come true!
- Christina Ku, SHOW BUSINESS WEEKLY

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Comic News Insider

2010-03-25T12:38:00.008-04:00

Check it out, Vamp Fans! Bonnie, Sheldon, Robert, and yo' favorite yella playwright join Jimmy and Joe on the ultra-cool and super popular pop-culture podcast, COMIC NEWS INSIDER, for a special CNI One-shot on "Alice in Slasherland". We talk craft, blood, fights, and our favorite horror movies. Once again, it was an absolute blast hanging out with the boys of CNI. They're the shiznet. Fo' reals! Listen to it HERE!

Oh, and get your tickets NOW! Like Week One, Week Two is on the fast track at being sold out. Only a handful left. Don't miss it!

ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: And so it begins...

2010-03-18T08:31:00.003-04:00

The countdown's over! Let the slashing begin! Get your tickets now! Opening weekend is already SOLDOUT! See ya at the theatre! This is gonna be kickass!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Carlo Alban

2010-03-16T06:00:00.006-04:00

And now to celebrate our kickoff week, we have an interview with the protagonist of “Alice in Slasherland” himself, the amazing and versatile Carlo Alban. An extremely gifted and charismatic performer, Carlo first appeared with Vampire Cowboys in our runaway hit, “Living Dead in Denmark”, in both its sold-out premiere and lauded remount. Since then, he’s been tearing it up across the country in critically acclaimed plays such as in Octavio Solis’s “Lydia”, Lucy Thurber’s “Monstrosity”, Stephen Belber’s “A Small Melodramatic Story”, and the tour of Carlo’s own tremendously funny and thoroughly moving one-man show “Intríngulis” (Literally the single best solo show I have ever seen anywhere). He also appeared on Fox Television’s “Prison Break” as the fan-favorite character of McGrady, the “Strangers with Candy” movie, and most recently in Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut film, “Whip It”, as the lovable Birdman. With consistently nuanced and magnetic performances in plays, movies, and televisions shows, Carlo has solidified himself as one of New York’s finest and most sought-over actors. He’s a truly remarkable talent who has helped transform our much-anticipated slasher play into easily one of our funniest and best shows yet. In “Alice in Slasherland”, Carlo plays the role of Lewis, a young nerdy teen, who accidentally unleashes a literal Hell on Earth.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Lewis. What can you tell us about your character? What are some challenges you expect to encounter?
Lewis is... not the most popular kid in school, to say the least. Not that it matters so much in the big picture, but when you're in High School those concerns tend to become very big in your world. So he's not really what in most everyone's eyes would be called a winner. But he makes up for all that with many redeeming qualities, such as fierce loyalty, a self deprecating attitude, and courage before great danger. Bigtime. Lewis descends into a personal and literal hell which threatens to consume the world around him. Faced with the choice of standing by and letting it happen or taking arms against his sea of troubles, he chooses to... well, come see the play and you'll find out.
There are SO many challenges. Vampire Cowboys plays are so great because so much work happens behind the scenes to pull off all their theatrical marvels, and as a member of the team there is a lot to navigate. But I would say the biggest challenge, (as with most plays), is to keep it honest while simultaneously diving into the spirit and fun of the play. There is much fun to be had, but the play also deals with some very real themes, and one must find the right balance to strike. It's a fine line to ride, but I have been having a blast and look forward to more fun realizing it.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims? What would be your origin?
My slasher self would use not one machete, but three. And I would juggle them. I'd be a juggling slasher, not just stabbing my victims once through the heart or decapitating them. I'd do a nice job of finely mincing them as my blades sliced through their skin and organs in their parabolic arcs. Bloody? Hell yeah. Awesome? Uh huh. Effective? Three blades are better than one, wouldn't you say? Origins wise...? After being rejected from Clown College, being kicked out of the International Jugglers' Association for insubordinate juggling, and seeing the girl of my fancy sucking face with one of the Flying Karamazov Brothers all on the same day, I'd just snap. I'd get out the old bowler hat, the dusty dark linen suit, suspenders, dirty white button up with no tie, maybe even ride around in a unicycle, and start slashing away. My chosen victims? Heads of juggling institutions, meter maids, circus freaks, Marcel Marceau, fashionistas, tax collectors and bullies.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)? Any good ghost stories to share whether a personal experience or a good scary story you’ve heard.
It wasn't scary so much as... odd. A few years ago I visited an ooooold cemetery in the middle of the desert in Chile at 5am, shortly before sunrise. On the way there, I could have sworn I saw a thin man, dressed in what looked like early twentieth century garb, standing alone, perfectly still, staring into the distance, holding a sign (although I could not catch what it said), on the side of the road. Mind you, we were miles away from any kind of town, and it was in the pitch blackness of the desert, and it was cold. Anyway, when we got to the cemetery the sun was starting to break in the sky, and the fog that rolls in every day over the mountains was starting to dissipate. The reason we were stopping by this cemetery is because my oldest brother mentioned that there were graves that were partly exposed, and there was one in particular that was quite open and you could see the full remains of a woman. He knew it was a woman because she still had her shoes on. When we arrived we parked the car by the side of the dirt highway and left my other brother, Angelo, asleep in the back seat. There are cemeteries all along those roads. Old cemeteries belonging to old ghost towns left over from abandoned mining outfits. We entered the cemetery, found the grave, and discovered that the woman's shoes were gone. Someone had stolen them. But she was indeed there, in a cracked cement sarcophagus stacked on top of several others above the ground. We stood and watched her for a while. There were half burnt candles and matches. After some time, the rental car's alarm started going off, so I ran back to deactivate it. I found Angelo sitting in the back seat, utterly confused. I turned off the ringing, and ran back into the cemetery. We lit the woman one of the candles, when the alarm started going off again and some dogs started barking in the distance. So we headed back to the car. Once we got in I asked Angelo why he had tried to get out of the car a second time if he knew the alarm was going to go off. He said he had not tried to get out the first or second time. He had been sleeping and been startled awake by the alarm; then he saw me approach, yell something unintelligible through the window, and run back, and after a few minutes, the alarm went off again. We'd had that rental car for several days, and the alarm never inadvertently went off up until that point, and it did not do so for the rest of the trip...

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
I'd never thought about this, but I guess if I had to formulate one... I would arm myself with every possible weapon I could - machetes, swords, throwing knives, baseball bats, anything with reach. Even paintball guns, cause even though you won't eliminate them, you can at least stun them for a bit if you shoot them, say, in the eye, while you make your getaway. And they're fun! When you're not shooting Zombies, you could shoot your friends. Then I would stop by a superstore and stock up on food, supplies, visit the Gardening section and get lots of seeds. After which I would go to a marina (Zombies can't swim, can they?), steal a boat (one with a motor AND sails, in case we run out of fuel), and I would find an island, plant myself a garden and wait it out. Either that, or I would go to the zoo, steal a baby tiger, raise it as my own, and just take it with me everywhere once it got big enough. Zombies don't fuck with tigers, do they?

What scares you?
Lots of things. In no particular order: Hipsters, Onions, Glen Beck, Ben Affleck, Ignorance, Certainty, Spoiled Milk, Wall Street, Marine life in the Ocean, Negligence, Seven Minute Abs, Xenophobes, The Penal System, Liver, Banality, Proms, The DMV, Lady Gaga, Donald Trump, Painfully Cold Weather, Hubris, Jalapeños, Group Mentalities, Senility, The Tea Party (not the one with the Mad Hatter, Doormouse and March Hare - the other one), Inconsiderately Loud Neighbors, The Electric Slide, Polka Dots.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Simply put, it’s badass, you'll have a GREAT time, you'll be supporting New York Theater, you'll get more than your money's worth, and you'll leave psyched and hankering for the next Vampire Cowboys show. If that's not enough reason, they've also got a large stockpile of weapons. You don't want to upset folks with a large stockpile of weapons, do you?! Just kidding. It's all about the love! And that's what you'll get with Vampire Cowboys - love of theater, love of fun, love of badass!

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Voice Choice!

2010-03-16T03:32:00.004-04:00

"Alice in Slasherland" is a Village Voice "Voice Choice"! And our opening weekend is also nearly soldout (Only 30 left for Thurs, none for Fri, 1 left for Sat, and 5 left for Sun). Seriously, grab your tickets NOW! To get'em, go HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Moving Day!

2010-03-15T05:44:00.009-04:00

Well here we go, Vamp Fans, we are now only three days away from the World Premiere of "Alice in Slasherland". And, holy fuckin' shit, are we excited! These last four weeks in the studio have been absolutely amazing. Easily this has been one of the most fun Robert and I have had on any Vampire Cowboys show. It honestly feels like we've been laughing nonstop and progressively harder ever since our first read-thru. There is a ton of inventive tricks, fun gore, and funny surprises that has us giddy with anticipation to show you. It is truly a Vampire Cowboys masterpiece in mischievousness. And today, today we move our show into HERE Arts Center from our quaint rehearsal hall, The Battle Ranch. The van's loaded, the costumes are packed, the stage blood is purchased, it's time to put on a fuckin' Vampire Cowboys show. Get ready, VC Nation, the shit's about to get real! And grab your tix now cause performances are already beginning to sellout!

Below are shots from Matt Tennie's video shoot of myself, Robert, and Matt acting like demons for background shots for the show's multimedia design. Enjoy (and, yeah, point and laugh at) our shameful shirtlessness:

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with David Valentine

2010-03-11T10:37:00.010-05:00

As Vampire Cowboys’ aesthetic has evolved throughout the years, our intrepid band of theatrical baddies has made a name for itself for a variety of techniques including genre-bending storytelling, montage sequences, digital shorts, elaborate fight choreography, inventive costumes, etc. And amongst that eclectic conglomerate of foul-mouthed dialogue and gratuitous girl-power Kung Fu is one of our most lauded elements, David Valentine’s consistently clever puppet creations. From “Puppet Jesus” to universe crushing aliens to last year’s hysterical “Fuck You Puppet”, David’s collaborations with Vampire Cowboys has always been met with huge audience applause, critical acclaim, and one very very impressive Henry Hewes Design Award nomination. And after seven seasons of spicing up our stages with sultry side dishes, with “Alice in Slasherland”, David’s creations are being moved from hors d'oeuvres to one of the show’s main courses. With multiple demons and monsters to create, we have given David a fun menu of surprises that he’s already meeting with some of his best work yet. VC Nation, get ready to have your minds blown.

In your own words, what is “Alice in Slasherland”?
“Alice in Slasherland” is a bloody battle between good and evil. I do wonder which ones are the real bad guys though...high schoolers or hell demons...they both sort of fit into the same category. Each year Qui seems to write a play with more crazy challenges for me as a puppet designer. It's so fun to see what seemingly impossible tasks Qui and Robert come up with! The best part about working with Vampire Cowboys is every single year I’m motivated into new territories with puppet design and the technology that best suits the shows. I think “Gremlins” and “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” have a large influence on how I'm getting these various characters to move for Alice.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims? What would be your origin?
Weapon of choice would be a whole bag of sterile meat-cleavers and surgical knives, drills, saws etc. All very shiny and silver. My name would be the "Drill Butcher." My chosen victims would only be rapists (I’m sort of a super hero, but mainly a killer). My origin would be a completely normal upbringing. I just snapped. (snaps) Like that.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)? Any good ghost stories to share whether a personal experience or a good scary story you’ve heard.
When I was pretty young at night while in bed I would hear a deep growl of a breathing that sounded as if it was coming from upstairs. I always thought it was going to be a rabid wolf or dog or something. The breathing was so irregular which made it much more unsettling.......I later realized it was my brother in the room across the hall way SNORING!
The best scary story I've ever heard though was about a girl alone on a camping trip in the forest. I know, dumb right from the start! She was a very dedicated nature photographer which meant she would often go on weekend camping trips by herself. She had her own tent and all the perfect equipment to pull this off. On this particular weekend she was very excited because she had captured some of the best work she’s ever done, think National Geographic in quality. She was thrilled to get home and develop the photos. That next Monday however while in the dark room as she was checking out all the photos she had taken. Somewhere in the middle of the roll of film was one single photo taken of her sleeping alone in her tent.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
I feel like I started planning for this when I was a kid. Even though I didn't know it. I have a wide variety of baseball bats in my garage and basement. I have a wooden samurai sword. I have a Lord of the Rings’ "Sting" replica. I have a gas mask. I have coveralls. I have lots of spandex. A whole lots of canned foods. Multiple pounds of string cheese and years worth of peanut butter. Nintendo Wii. A camera... seven guitars. uhm...I think I'm just naming things in my room now. OH! A lawn mower would be good too.

What scares you?
Vomit. Being puked on. Or stepping in it.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Because the entire cast is hilarious and awesome. Also because puppets play a major role in this one!

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Stills from "The Devil's Usher"

2010-03-10T14:38:00.011-05:00

Below are stills from our video shoot of "The Devil's Usher", a Vampire Cowboys digital short, that will be shown during the performances of "Alice in Slasherland". "The Devil's Usher" stars Paco Tolson, Alexis Black, Christian Chan, Sharon Eisman, Lex Friedman, and Kelley O'Donnell. Directed by Robert Ross Parker, script by Qui Nguyen. Makeup by Theresa Squire. For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Tom Myers

2010-03-09T11:30:00.013-05:00

Holy crap, Vamp Fans, we’re now only 9 days away from the kickoff of “Alice in Slasherland”! And after a week of hysterical run-thru’s, sexy costume fittings, and gory gore techs, what I can tell you so far about VC’s upcoming show is that it is going to be a fucking BLAST! We’re talking unbridled fun much in the same vein as “Fight Girl Battle World” and “Living Dead in Denmark”. It’s full of fun characters, whacky theatrical tricks, and outrageous surprises that left our producer, Abby Marcus, literally sore from laughter. It’s geek theatre at its bloody finest and I can’t wait to share it with all of you, our beloved Vamp Fans. Our acting and creative teams have really done a spectacular job on this one. Fucking fantastic.

And speaking of bloody fun, our next interview goes to the man playing the very slasher of “Alice in Slasherland” himself, the one and only Tom Myers. Like Andrea, Tom has been part of Vampire Cowboys since our very beginning. Portraying everything from cross-dressing superheroes to power-ballad singing Shakespearean monsters, Tom is easily one of VC’s best and most versatile chameleon actors. He's an agile, creative, and nuanced powerhouse of an actor who has stolen more than a few scenes with his hysterical theatrical creations. And after a two-year absence from our stages to go work at the New York City Opera (Yeah, that’s right, we got’em back. Take that, opera!), the mighty mighty Tom Myers returns to VC nation even more badass than ever and ready to kick some teenage ass all for your entertainment. In "Alice in Slasherland", Tom's playing a slew of characters including Jacob the devil's third emissary aka the slasher of our much-anticipated slasher play.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Jacob, what can you tell us about your character?
Jacob is your classic blade wielding, mask wearing, unstoppable slasher...following in the footsteps of such classic icons as Jason and Michael Myers (my personal favorite...and no...not just 'cause his last name is Myers...but... ok, definitely a little bit because his last name is Myers). Okay, sorry...back to Jacob. He hacks his way through the suburb of El Dorado (pronounced Dor-ay-doh for all us ignorant yankees) leaving a path of blood and bodies as he relentlessly pursues his ultimate goal...Alice. One of the most intriguing and challenging aspects of a character like Jacob and his “forefathers of fear” is their embodiment of simplistic specificity (try sayin' that three times fast). Being crude but calculated, if you will. There's no flash or pizazz in their actions, but they are specific, deliberate...and effective. That's what makes these characters so scary. They don't run. They don't stop. They don't die. They simply keep on tickin'....and keep on killing. Another challenge presented with creating Jacob is the fact that he speaks. The challenge doesn't lie just in his physical sound, but also the manner in which he speaks. He's not participating in debates or spittin' Shakespearean monologues, but rather prefers a simpler approach to speech, uttering only single words. Again we're brought back to this idea of simplistic specificity (sorry...I had to use it again....it's just fun to say). Jacob's spoken words are simple, so his words must be spoken specifically. It's an interesting challenge. Alright, enough actor mumbo jumbo...needless to say, Jacob's gonna be fun...I'm excited...

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims? What would be your origin?
Well, I wouldn't feel like a true slasher unless I was rockin' a machete, so I guess that's what I'd go with. That way too, at the big slasher galas, I could look the other slashers in the face and not be ashamed...Victims? I guess douchebags (can I say that? or is this a family-friendly interview?) Oh well, too late...we're goin' with it...we'll refer to them as d-bags to clean it up a bit...I'd probably be at a bar after a terrible day...lost my job...my home...my dog...just wanting to throw back a couple of coldies and quietly reflect on life for a bit...but, to my dismay there's a loud-mouth d-bag down at the end of the bar who won't shut up...you know these guys...commenting on everything and everyone...including, on this fateful day, down and out me...as he walks back to the back to take a leak, I snap...I follow him back to the bathroom and see a machete hanging on the wall (maybe the bar's like a TGI Fridays or something...one of those places with a lot of wacky things on the wall making it "eclectic")...anywho...I nab the machete, open the door and Whack! one less d-bag in the world...I walk out...drop some cash on the bar for my drinks and a good tip and so begins my reign of terror...I think it'd be an interesting thing...On one hand I'd be a feared, mass-murdering slasher, but on the other...I'd be more of a vigilante hero to millions, ridding the world of d-bags...one by one...The world would be a happier place...'cause no body likes a d-bag...

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)?
Well, it's more of a recurring nightmare I had when I was a young buck rather than a true blue ghost story, but I swear there was something oddly paranormal about this "Simon Says" ventriloquist dummy my brother had when we were growing up...Basically it's this incredibly freaky dummy for aspiring ventriloquists...I guess...(for the record, my brother Mike was not an aspiring ventriloquist...don't even know why he had this thing)...but it would sit in the closet right across from my bed, just staring at me as I’d fall asleep...freaky enough...but it gets worse...So in my dream I would wake up by gently opening my eyes and peer into the closet and Simon would be GONE! I'd sit up and there he was at the foot of my bed...I'd jump up screaming as he chased me around my room until I always outsmarted him just enough to make it out of my door and to the top of the stairs...this is where it gets weird...or weirder I guess...and please...keep all dream analysis of the next part to yourself...so...my mom would be at the top of the stairs, but she was completely invisible, I could only hear her...I stood at the top of the stairs...panicking...I'd scream "Simon's after me again!" as I'd look back through my doorway to see the earlier outwitted Simon running towards me, grinning and gaining ground...fast...as Simon got to the door, all scary lookin' and pissed off, my mom would yell "Jump!" and I'd run and jump with all my might down the stairs...and....whoosh...I'd wake up...sitting up in my bed...panting...sweating...and there in the closet...sat Simon...just sitting there...with that evil grin...still staring at me, as if nothing had happened...After the fourth or fifth time I had that dream, I finally broke down and Simon had to go....I think he was shipped off to the Goodwill or something...meaning...he's still out there...somewhere...

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
Kill 'em all...at least, that's what I'll go with for now (the plan could be revised if the apocalypse actually goes down)... I'd drain the checking account and head to the local gun store...grab a handgun, a shotgun and plenty of ammo (maybe a sweet bowie knife too as last resort protection) Along the way I'd find a sweet Harley Davidson to hotwire and rip through the streets wreckin' some zombie fools...I'd remember to always aim for the head, and keep my eyes peeled for any damsels in distress...I'd make my way out of the city and rock my chopper all the way along 80 to Ohio, to make sure the fam was safe...and to show my dad my sweet new Harley...It's not the best plan in the world, but I figure if I happen to not make it, and the zombies win...at least I went out as badass as possible...

What scares you?
Swimming in the deep ocean; Complete darkness with a single, unreliable flashlight; and "The Jersey Shore" being real...

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
There's no reason not to...unless, of course, you hate laughing...and hate cheering...and hate being entertained...and just hate all around good times...but then it sounds like you have some bigger fish to fry...so take a little "you time" and rectify that hatred and then come check it out anyways.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

Congratulations, Nosedive!

2010-03-08T12:43:00.014-05:00

Taking a quick pause on the "Alice in Slasherland" blogging, I just want to use this opportunity to congratulate our buddies over at Nosedive Productions on their 10 Year Anniversary. Anyone familiar with our two companies know that we both share quite a bit of affinity for the other. They were some of the first folks I choreographed for when I first arrived to New York and clearly still one of my favorite groups in the city. They regularly work in our Saturday Night Saloon and I, in turn, am a regular writer for their Blood Brothers series. They have produced two of my absolute favorite Indie Theatre shows I've seen in New York, "The Adventures of Nervous Boy" and "Infectious Opportunity" and folks that I proudly cherish as dear friends. They are a great group that I will always recommend. Tomorrow they are celebrating their 10 Year Anniversary with a gala at The Brick. I contributed the closing piece of the night entitle appropriately enough "Congratulations, Nosedive". You should go see it. It will make you laugh. More info on that can be found HERE. Huzzah, Nosedive, we love ya!

Below are a couple of the fights I've choreographed for Nosedive throughout the years. Enjoy!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Bonnie Sherman

2010-03-05T12:03:00.002-05:00

Continuing our look at the sexy ladies of “Alice in Slasherland”, our next interview goes to another one of VC Nation’s freshest fan favorites, our lady of perpetual awesome, Bonnie Sherman. Bonnie first began kicking ass with the Cowboys as part of our Rabid Vamps Fight Studio where she immediately caught our attention with her stunning looks, amazing high kicks, and quirky sense of humor. With beauty, brawn, and brilliant acting skillz, she ran up the ranks of Vampire Cowboys fast and furious. First appearing in our Saturday Night Saloon series then onto the New York Comic Con and our First Bite workshops, it virtually took her no time before she would make her debut on our mainstage in last season’s critically acclaimed sold-out show, “Soul Samurai”, where she won the hearts of all of VC Nation. In an incredible performance, Bonnie tore it up as Sally December aka Lady Snowflake, the main bad guy and ultimate love interest for our lead girl, Dewdrop, in last year’s hit. Because of their nuanced and moving portrayals, VC’s ambitious blaxploitation/samurai/vampire play went on to get a surprising nomination from the GLAAD Awards for Outstanding Broadway/Off-Broadway Play. Since then, Bonnie also appeared in our sold-out remount of “Fight Girl Battle World” just this past summer and now sheds her bad guy ways to play one of Slasherland’s lead characters, Margaret, a nerdy cheerleader who gets caught up inside Alice’s twisted world.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Margaret, what can you tell us about your character?
Margaret is a fun-loving, yet ironically very book-smart, 17 year-old cheerleader. She speaks her mind without hesitation and is confident in what she wants in life. She sticks up for her friends as well as herself and cares very much for Lewis, her lifelong buddy and the only real friend she has at El Dorado Hills High School. Some challenges in creating this role will be to not fall into all the regular “traps” one can fall into when playing “a teenager” onstage. Also in finding ways to keep the character positive in such an extreme circumstance as the one she now finds herself in. All in all, it’s going to be a fun character to create.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? Who would be your chosen victims?
I would definitely hook up my forearms with some retractable Razor Blade. Imagine you’re on a nice night out with this beautiful brunette. Things are heating up and then BLAM, out of nowhere, razor blades in your neck! My chosen victims would be sleeze-balls who hang out in the streets and expect women to respond to their cat calls.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)? Any good ghost stories to share whether a personal experience or a good scary story you’ve heard.
One night while I was in university, my friends and I decided to sling back some drinks, and in a drunken stupor, decided that it would be a great idea to sneak into the legendary haunted theater located down the street from our apartment. It wasn’t difficult to enter, no break-in necessary. Upon entry, we spent the time scaring each other for fun, going into the basement, hiding, calling each other out to come down and then jumping out with a loud BOO! We were intoxicated, having fun, and giving zero respect for anything remotely supernatural. Everyone was talking very loudly trying to challenge the supposed “spirits in the theater” to come out. After awhile, we decided to all gather into the main area to legitimately see if we could see anything. After about a minute of silence with the occasional giggle and comments like “this is boring” the clock located at the very back of this gigantic theater (approximately 5000 square feet) suddenly started ticking very loudly. We all got very freaked out and decided that this would be a good time to make our exit. However, one of my friends, in a last ditch effort to keep the night rolling, chimed up and started screaming taunting comments out to the “theatre spirits”. Then, out of nowhere, we all heard a very loud sound, slightly demonic in nature, with hints of technical fuzz saying “GET OUT”! Without pause, we all ran out of the theatre very very fast. When we returned home, the events that followed were self-lighting candles, the volume on our television sets rising up to their loudest settings randomly in the middle of the night, and very disturbing nightmares all around. (Not two minutes ago when trying to find the square footage of this space I came across this website)
Side bar: I want to apologize to any of my old teachers who are reading this right now. I vow never do such a disrespectful act ever again.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
Well, zombies aren’t really my thing, but for the holidays my boyfriend received an “Emergency Zombie Apocalypse Kit”, equipped with bottled water, protein bars, heat pads, a fully stocked first aid kit, an extra pair of socks, and - of course - a Louisville Slugger with the Pittsburgh Steelers Emblem burned into the handle (He’s from Pittsburgh). I just hope to be with him at the time of the Apocalypse. Especially because if I’m on my own, I’d be stuck having to defend myself with just my Mag Light and that means it wouldn’t be very long before my brains became zombie-food.

What scares you?
Oh, you know, nothing. Yeah, right. I am scared of singing in public. I attended the New World School of the Arts in Miami, Fl. My first year of high school, I was accepted into the musical theater program which I’m guessing was due to my acting and dance skills, though I suppose I can hold a note pretty well. Throughout the year I would have to perform a number of songs for my classmates. And without fail, before every song that was about to come out of my vocal chords, the tears would begin flowing, causing my stage fright to hit maximum velocity, resulting in a very hasty and dramatic exit out of the room. Thankfully, I was able to switch into the regular acting program for the remainder of high school. To this day, the only person I can sing in front of is my dad.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Do you love to laugh? Do you love your life? Do you hate your life? Are you an awesome person? Are you not an awesome person? Are you a boy, a girl, a man, or a woman? Do you love violence? Do you love “love stories”? Do you love Sesame Street? Do you hate Sesame Street? Do you love theatre? Do you hate theatre? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you HAVE to see this show. Plus you’ll be way cooler when you leave.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Andrea Marie Smith

2010-03-04T11:59:00.013-05:00

Now let’s swing the spotlight onto one of Vampire Cowboys’ most beloved performers, the sensational and sexy Andrea Marie Smith. She’s rocked out VC Nation since our very beginning and has won countless fans with her versatile acting skills, her amazing show-stealing songstress lungs, and the many award-winning (and in her words, pants-less) costumes she’s adorned by the amazing Jessica Shay. As one of our favorite “heels” (meaning “bad guy” in pro-wrestling talk), our rowdy rowdy redhead has fought cheerleaders in “Vampire Cowboy Trilogy”, aligned herself with zombies in “Living Dead in Denmark”, tried to extinguish the human race in “Fight Girl Battle World”, AND in her most memorable role with Vampire Cowboys, played the lead character in “A Beginner’s Guide to Deicide” as the ultimate antihero Lucy aka Lucifer the devil herself. In between her gigs killing it with the Cowboys, she recently starred in one of the all-time best Indie Theatre shows I’ve ever seen, Nosedive Production’s “Infectious Opportunity” by James Comtois, as well as the riveting white-knuckled drama “The Brokenhearteds” by VC’s own Temar Underwood. In “Alice in Slasherland”, Andrea plays the role of Tina, one of Alice’s chief antagonists.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Tina, what can you tell us about your character?
Tina, Tina, Tina. She’s a sweetheart, that one. Quiet, innocent, demure. You know, the kind of girl you take home to mom. If mom’s a total psychopath, that is. Don’t misunderstand, Tina isn’t crazy or anything, she's just the kind of girl who has no filter button whatsover and will hand you your ass in a heartbeat. Overall…She. Is. Awesome. And, oh yeah, she’s another Vampire Cowboys character who doesn’t seem to like wearing pants. (Sigh.) Creative costuming aside, what’s really interesting about this play and this character are that we’re utilizing extreme stereotypes in a non-stereotypical way. Horror films are one thing (and let’s face it, most of those need serious tweaking), but to put something on a live stage that is scary and funny and bloody… that’s a real challenge. We're working our asses off right now... for serious. My thighs are on FIRE from our fight rehearsals and my abs are sore, sore, sore from all of the laughing. I guess I don’t want to say too much about Tina (there are some hellaciously big surprises, and I’ll leave it at that), but I guarantee she’ll help deliver a raucously good time.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims?
I'm a crafty girl, so I'm thinking that if I were a slasher, I'd like to wield a giant pair of scissors (they'd be really shiny and make that great swish noise), and I'd probably be dubbed something like Spotted Pony or Red Avenger. I'd however use my aggression and uncontrollable lust for violence to serve the better good. And the punishment would fit the crime. I'd reserve the slow painful deaths for the obvious offenders: wife-beaters, rapists, child-abusers, etc. (They'd be sliced and diced into fun shapes to amuse the masses), but then I would also spend some serious time snipping at (without reeeeeally doing any permanent damage to) the people who generally piss me off: people who chew with their mouths open, girls who purposely show off their thongs, bartenders who never offer a buy-back, guys who don't know how to pick up a phone... (I could go on, but you get the idea. That and I'm starting to sound neurotic and scary.)

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)? Any good ghost stories to share?
I went to college in Athens, Ohio, which is considered one of the "most haunted places on earth". So paranormal activity wasn't out of the ordinary. Living in the dorms, we had those uber plush community bathrooms (you know the ones with, like, 15 sinks, 19 toilets, and 3 dozen showers), and it wasn't uncommon to be, say, brushing your teeth alone at night and have the faucet 3 sinks down turn on by itself, the toilets begin randomly flushing and a few showers turn themselves on and off. So either we had some seriously jacked up plumbing, or there was something supernatural going on. I could tell you some of my scary Athens stories, but then you wouldn't be able to sleep tonight, and you'd be all, "Damnit, Andrea!" And to be honest, I don't deal well with people being angry with me, so the bathroom story is going to have to suffice. Shut up. I'm fragile.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
First and foremost: WE RUN. We'll avoid associating with people on crutches, love-stricken teenage boys, and any loose-moraled, misunderstood, busty girls with low-cut tops, and we'll be juuuuuust fine.

What scares you?
Sharks. Hate them. They should all die.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Vampire Cowboys + Blood + Hilarity + Serious Asskicking + Scantily Clad Women + More Blood and More Asskicking = Holy Shitballs, Get Your Tickets Now Or You Will Be A Sad, Sad Bear
PS: I heart this play. Hard.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: New Poster

2010-03-03T15:07:00.007-05:00

Check out the new "Alice in Slasherland" poster!For more info on "Alice in Slasherland", CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Amy Kim Waschke

2010-03-02T10:42:00.011-05:00

So holy crap, Vamp Fans, we’re now only two weeks away (two and a half actually) from the world premiere of “Alice in Slasherland”. FREAK OUT! The good is that rehearsals have all been ridiculously fun. Seriously, who knew killing teenagers would be so artistically rewarding? (Okay, and that sentence taken out of context makes me sound like a complete Hannibal). The bad is there’s still alotta work to do before we’re ready to blow up HERE Arts Center for the sake of geek entertainment. We still have gore FX to figure out, fights to choreograph, and gallons and gallons of blood to purchase. Our adventure into Sam Raimi’esque horror is easily becoming one of our most gloriously ambitious productions yet. It has all our old tricks, plus a ton of new ones that will blow your mind! Get ready, VC Nation, to scream . . . and laugh . . . and cheer cause, like always, VC is gonna bring it. Buy your tickets now though, because like all our shows since “Living Dead in Denmark”, early sales are indicating that “Alice in Slasherland” is looking to continue our trend of being another completely sold-out run. Don’t get locked out. This show is gonna be bloody fuckin’ fun!

And now, for a special treat, we have an interview with the beautiful and awesome Amy Kim Waschke, aka Alice of “Alice in Slasherland”, for your geek-theatre enjoyment. Amy first appeared on the Vampire Cowboys stage five years ago in our first big downtown hit, “Living Dead in Denmark”, in the role of Ophelia. With her badass skills leading the show, VC garnered a shitload of rave reviews, our first sold-out run of a production (and a sold-out remount of the production one year later), a slew of Innovative Theatre Award noms including Best Production and a win for best fight choreography, and the first VC script to be published on its own by Broadway Play Publishing. Since then, she’s been tearing it up across the country in regional theatres such as Seattle Shakespeare, Merrimack Rep, The Hanger, and Arizona Theatre. With Alice, Amy returns to rock out VC Nation with her special brand of badass and to show why she’s our queen of scream.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Alice, what can you tell us about your character?
First off, this play is a huge departure from the Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland”. There is no “Eat me, Drink me” bullshit and the tumble down the rabbit hole is more like being shot straight out of Hell (literally). I do think that both my Alice and Disney's Alice have one thing in common however. They both arrive in their respective new worlds with a deep and unabated sense of curiosity.
My Alice is constantly trying to figure out how “Slasherland” works, how humanity works, and how she, herself, works. It's as if she's a newborn. She has to decode language and emotion and the mechanics of her own body. "What's that in my mouth? A thumb? A foot? Your finger? Jesus! I DON'T KNOW!"
It's an interesting place to be in as an actor. As an adult, with years of practice, I can quickly interpret and understand sarcasm or jealousy or loyalty. I understand words and slang (Well, some slang) and how to use language to get what I want. I also understand consequences. That if stab someone, that person will most likely suffer and die by my actions. But Alice doesn't understand all of those things right away. She learns as the play unfolds. And that's what's so fun and difficult about playing her. You have to try and unlearn everything you know (or think you know) and come at it fresh.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem?
I think my slasher would throw knives. Kind of like a circus act. A deadly circus act. I imagine it would feel incredibly satisfying to take aim and hear your knife swish through the air and then let it thunk into your mark. You’d stroll up to your victim, pull the sharp sharp blade out of their body, wipe it off, and slip it back into your belt or jacket or whatever before disappearing again into the darkness. Yeah, all of that seems really good to me.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)?
I'm not sure if this would be considered paranormal, but it did scare the shit out of me. One of my friends once dated this guy who thought he could heal people with real health problems, like cancer and chronic pain and nicotine addiction. He would shake and sweat and speak in tongues and then he would slap the person and cry out, "YOU'RE HEALED!" I always thought that was scary... that she dated such a freak.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
I open a bottle of good red. I eat a gorgeous meal that includes duck and fois gras and pork belly. I make sweet sweet love to the one I love. And then I set up a perimeter and try not to succumb to the forces of evil.

What scares you?
Tax audits, open sores, and Billy Bob Thorton.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Cause it’s a Vampire Cowboys show.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Matthew Tennie

2010-03-01T13:43:00.009-05:00

Our next interview goes to one of the newest members to the Vampire Cowboys creative team, multimedia mastermind Matthew Tennie. We met Matthew last season during “Soul Samurai” while he was on staff as the technical supervisor at our favorite downtown theatre venue, HERE Arts Center. After helping us pull off our very ambitious blaxploitation/samurai/vampire play, Matthew offered his generous talents to bring our next show, “Alice in Slasherland”, to life by evolving our uses of projections and videos from mischievous to maniacal. We’re very excited to have him part of the team and can’t wait to show off his work to our beloved VC nation! You’re gonna dig him! Fo sho!

In your own words, what is “Alice in Slasherland”?
"Alice in Slasherland" is VC's new slasher play! I'm excited because this is their first time bringing on a dedicated video designer and I'm totally thrilled to be working with these folks. I've really enjoyed (as everyone does) their work in the past due to their fearless ideas and their extraordinary aim. They are masters at making considerate, well thought out choices that give audiences everything they deserve for peeling themselves off the couch to come check out some theatre. Specifically speaking, Alice has me relooking at a couple of classics including “Ringu” and Peter Jackson's “Dead Alive” (Which is fitting since I’m in New Zealand right now). I love its unabashedly awful gore and equally bad characters, which makes it all so great!

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims? What would be your origin?
If I was a Slasher, I would have to have a pair of machetes on my back, but those are only for when my retrofitted shoulder strap lawnmower of death (again with "Dead Alive:) runs out of gas. Maybe a cheese grater and a car battery for interrogation. I would target dirty politicians and those fuckers from Bank of America, Chase, AIG, etc. - only white collar criminals. My origin would have to be something about international imprisonment and death concerning corporate conspiracies and identity smearing. I'd have to have a really half-assed name like "The ATM" or something stupid like that so the police could make all sorts of scene transition puns like, "Looks like that'll be HIS last deposit...."

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)?
Nothing paranormal has ever happened to me. I have a theory that some people are predisposed to be able to "see" things - I'm not one of them. I think the scariest thing that I've ever experienced was finding myself in the middle of a giant movie theatrer, with no escape, having to watch the remainder of "Independence Day" after realizing what an amazing turd it really was.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
I just saw "ZombieLand", so I'm totally ready. First stop - Walmart: guns, ammo, water, and cookies. Next stop - Playboy mansion: great security and a fabulous pool. It's also a great place to restart the population - what WHAT!

What scares you?
Complacency scares the shit out of me.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
Because it will continue the tradition of Vampire Cowboys rocking your face off. Suggestion: be sure to bring your face to the show for it be rocked off and BUY TICKETS IN ADVANCE.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Teaser Trailer!

2010-02-25T06:00:00.005-05:00

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Nick Francone

2010-02-24T00:41:00.013-05:00

Our next interview goes to one of the creative architects of Vampire Cowboys, resident scenic/lighting designer Nick Francone. As a collaborator since the company’s very beginning, Nick is one of the creative pillars of our intrepid organization. Throughout the years, his artistry has helped shape our voice, our mission, and our aesthetic. He is a trusted friend and collaborator who, in my humble opinion, is one of the best damn designers in all of the city.

In your own words, what is “Alice in Slasherland”?
“Alice in Slasherland” is a love story with some Hell in it. Will boy get girl? Will they then be killed and dragged into the underworld by a deranged slasher? These are some of the important questions the play is out to answer. Every year, there’s a new element to get me excited about the upcoming VC show. For Alice, it’s the creepy gory aspect that I’m really enjoying. The interplay of VC’s normal violence and comedy with the silly simplicity of the slasher genre is really appealing to me. As far as research, I’ve been just looking at a lot of spooky stuff. There is such an emotional aspect to horror that it doesn’t really matter what the time period is or the specific look, as long as it makes my skin crawl.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims? What would be your origin?
I would use something that’s low maintenance, easy to sharpen, and hides well in a trench coat. I always find the chainsaw a little gaudy and easy to spot on the way home. I feel like hatchets have a nice heft, as well as your basic household bludgeoning tools. Also anything that has a built in alibi. Like using a shovel? Why not push around a wheelbarrow with a little dirt in it as well. A big fan of the pickaxe? How about adding a pocket full of coal or a miner’s helmet to the ensemble? It’s important to accessorize. You never really get to pick your own name though, unfortunately. The media always gets involved and handles that aspect. It’s a shame really, because self promotion is the name of the game. No one is going to be afraid of the Butterfly Lane Slasher. I’d like something mysterious but sexy like the Black Rain Killer. Origin is tough, I’m hoping to get hit by a car on a lonely street or dissed by a popular girl or exposed to some radioactive chemicals or something, but that seminal trigger event hasn’t happened yet.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you (paranormally speaking)?
I’m not really a paranormal believer sadly. I spent so much time on that ghost ship with those pirates that I’m all but numb to it.

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
The best defense is a good offense. I say start eating brains and don’t look back. When they see a non-zombie besting them at their own game, I think they’ll be plenty discouraged.

What scares you?
Failure. And bees. Also that centipede that crawls up your junk and lays eggs. I swear I am never swimming in the Amazon.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
If I told you all the ingredients, you would agree that it’s a delicious sounding cookie. But the proof is in the baking and this is one cookie you’ve got to eat for yourself.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Deleted Scene

2010-02-23T10:53:00.022-05:00

In the writing of any play, there's always going to be a slew of scenes that don't make the final draft of the script. In the case of "Alice in Slasherland", it ended up being a whole script that ended up in the discard pile. When we first began putting this production together, the show that would eventually become "Alice in Slasherland" started off as a much simpler and less theatrically ambitious play called "The Slasherland Project". The original concept was a docu-drama style script in which a group of Vampire Cowboys actors traveled to a small rural town called Eaglestone, Oregon to research an obscure serial killer named Daniel Grigsby. During the course of the play, the actors would reenact the brutal murders that happened twenty years ago in Eaglestone along with recounting interviews from survivors and the victims' families. "The Slasherland Project" went so far as to be workshopped and presented at our annual "First Bite" series during this past October. And though it received a hugely positive response from our audience, we ultimately scrapped it because it felt too modest in design and was missing too many of the key elements we here at Vampire Cowboys like to do. There's talk about producing "The Slasherland Project" sometime in the future as a minimalist Halloween show at a festival somewhere or perhaps even just at The Battle Ranch. But for right now, it's definitely part of the pages and pages of "deleted scenes" that are accruing as rehearsals progress forward. Below is one of my personal favorite scenes from the original "Slasherland Project". Enjoy.

Projection: CASE FILE: SHANE SARVER, JILL EVES, NATHAN MCCASKILL. MAY 21, 1989. EAGLESTONE CAMP GROUNDS.

Lights up on three teens (NATHAN, SHANE, and JILL) hanging out at a camp site, drinking whiskey straight from the bottle .

SHANE: Truth or Dare?

JILL: Truth.

SHANE: Who would you rather fuck? Me or Nathan?

JILL: What? I don’t want to answer that.

SHANE: Oh no, that’s not how this game goes. Who would you rather fuck? Me or Nathan? It’s the rules. You gotta respect the rules.

JILL: If I had to choose?

SHANE: Yes, if you had to choose.

NATHAN: You don’t have to answer this.

SHANE: No, fuck you. Yes, she does.

JILL: I’d rather fuck . . . I guess I’d rather fuck Nathan.

SHANE: WHAT?

NATHAN: Hehehehe!

SHANE: Oh, you’re just saying that cause he was gonna let you pussy-out on answering.

JILL: Nope, if I had to fuck one of you, I’d rather fuck Nathan.

SHANE: Cause he’s more sensitive, right? Cause he’s in touch with his inner vagina?

JILL: No, Shane. It’s cause he has a way bigger dick.

SHANE: WHAT!?! That’s not true.

JILL: Shane. I’ve seen you both naked. His dick is way bigger.

SHANE: He shows, I grow, whatever.

JILL: Okay, my turn. Truth or Dare, Nathan?

NATHAN: What? I don’t even want to play this game.

JILL: Truth or Dare, Nathan.

NATHAN: Fine. Truth.

SHANE: What’s with all this truth shit, pussies? Someone needs to do a dare! DARE!

JILL: Nathan, don’t hate me.

NATHAN: Why would I hate you?

JILL: Remember, it’s in the spirit of graduation. We’re graduates. It’s about new beginnings, okay?

NATHAN: What are you going to ask me?

JILL: Nathan . . . are you gay?

NATHAN: What?

SHANE: Dude.

JILL: Are you gay?

NATHAN: . . .

JILL: . . .

NATHAN: Jill, no. I’m not gay.

JILL: No?

NATHAN: NO.

JILL: Remember what Mister Grigsby said.

SHANE: What the fuck did Mister Grigsby say?

JILL: There is no happiness without truth.

SHANE: Yo, that statement’s fucking gay.

JILL: Come on, Nathan, it’s us. The Three Musketeers. You can trust us.

NATHAN: . . .

JILL: . . .

NATHAN: Fine. Whatever. I’m gay.

SHANE: What!?!

JILL: I love you, Nathan.

JILL hugs NATHAN as SHANE stares on.

SHANE: Wait just a fuckin’ minute. You two are fuckin’ with me, right? Like “Bloopers and Practical Jokes” style.

JILL: Shane, stop.

NATHAN: No, man, I’m not fucking with you. I’m gay.

SHANE: Bullshit. You’re not gay.

NATHAN: I am.

SHANE: There’s nothing gay about you!

NATHAN: I masturbate to pictures of naked men.

SHANE: Okay, that’s pretty fuckin’ gay. Wait, so does this mean you wanna . . . you know, fuck me?

NATHAN: What?

JILL: Shane!

SHANE: Do you want to fuck me?

NATHAN: Why? Do you want me to fuck you?

SHANE: No. I’m not asking you to do it, I'm asking you if you WANT to do it?

NATHAN: Why would I WANT to do that?

SHANE: Because you’re gay! And I’m hot.

NATHAN: Hehehehehe. Dude, you’re not that hot.

JILL: Definitely not. Hahahaha!

SHANE: Fuck you two. I’m hot.

JILL: Okay, Shane, truth or dare.

SHANE: Dare. Fuck this truth shit. It keeps bringing me down. DARE!

JILL: Okay. I dare you to . . . kiss Nathan.

SHANE: What?

JILL: I dare you. To kiss. Nathan.

SHANE: He doesn’t want me to kiss him.

JILL: Pussy.

SHANE: What?

JILL: Pussy.

SHANE: I’m not a fuckin -

JILL: PUSSY! Pussy pussy pussy pussy -

SHANE suddenly grabs NATHAN and kisses him. JILL bursts out laughing.

SHANE: See. I’m not a fuckin’ pussy!

JILL: Okay, I dare you -

SHANE: Whoa, who says you just get to keep daring people to do shit?

JILL: Because your dares are lame.

SHANE: Oh yeah? I dare YOU to kiss ME.

JILL: As I said. Lame. I dare you both . . . to make-out with me.

SHANE: What?

JILL: I dare you both. You gotta do it. It’s the rule. You too, Nathan.

The two boys look at one another as JILL smiles at them. With some hesitation, they both lean in to kiss her. As the three teens awkwardly try to figure out how to kiss one another, the SLASHER appears from afar. Giggling and excited, the three teens all decide to slip into their tent and begin heavily making out. We only see their shadows as they wrestle around with one another. As they begin taking off their clothes, the SLASHER slowly walks over and watches the teens from outside their tent. As the teens begin getting heavily into it, the SLASHER lifts his machete and begins stabbing each of them from outside the tents. Quickly, their moans of ecstasy turn into screams of pain as blood sprays everywhere. As they're dying, one of the teens tries to crawl out of the tent. As he does, the SLASHER decapitates him. The SLASHER then picks up the severed head and kisses it. As the scene ends, the SLASHER stands ominously over a messy pile of dead teens, plastic, and blood.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Interview with Sheldon Best

2010-02-22T06:00:00.004-05:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! As part of our “Countdown to ALICE IN SLASHERLAND” blog, we’ll be doing interviews with members of the acting and creative team to share with you a bit of their personalities and to give you some of their insights regarding the creation of the show. As always, our company prides ourselves in the amazing community of artists that surround us. And with “Alice in Slasherland”, we have assembled a truly remarkable team of actors and designers to blow it up for ya.

Our first interview goes to one of Vampire Cowboys youngest and super versatile chameleon actors, Sheldon Best. He first appeared on our stage last season in “Soul Samurai” where he killed it playing a slew of fast-talking Kung Fu badasses including Boss 2K, Marcus Moon, and Master Leroy. An extremely gifted performer, Sheldon quickly won the hearts of VC nation. Since last March, Sheldon’s been on fire acting in “Free Man of Color” (Penguin Rep in Westchester), “Much Ado about Nothing” (The Actors’ Shakespeare’s Project in Boston), and the recent “Harriet Jacobs” (Underground Railway Theater and Providence Black Repertory Company in Boston). With “Alice in Slasherland”, we will again be calling on Sheldon to tackle a variety of roles including one of the main characters, Edgar, a demonic sidekick out to protect Alice from the forces of evil.

In “Alice in Slasherland”, you play the role of Edgar, what can you tell us about your character?
Without giving too much away, I can say that Edgar is proof that you can't judge a book by its cover. He is Alice's cute sidekick who has a big heart and would do anything to protect her. He's also got quite an attitude and a fresh mouth. Basically he's an all around baaad mofo that's full of surprises. Just what kind of surprises? Well you'll just have to come see the show to find out! One of the challenges to playing this character is finding the vocal and physical choices that suit him, choices that work well against my other characters and with what the other actors are doing. What excites me is that Edgar is a very expressive character. He says what's on his mind and that always allows for a certain freedom in making character choices. It's been tons of fun creating him so far and I'm thrilled to see what he actually ends up becoming.

If you were a slasher, what weapon would you use to conduct mayhem? What would be your name? Who would be your chosen victims?
Hmmm...If I were a slasher I would use twin broadswords because twin broadswords are awesome. My name would be the "Social Pariah Purger" because my victims would be perpetual close-talkers, tourists who stop in the middle of the sidewalk to look at the tall buildings, and couples who stand on both sides of the escalator so that no one can pass them, among others...like the guy who wears earphones but plays his ipod so loud that you are subjected to his poor taste in music from across the train for 8 stops...wow, that was all very specific. I really haven't thought about this before, I swear.

What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?
Well there was this one time I possessed the body of this 9-foot alien, fell in love with an alien princess, jumped on a giant dinosaur bird, and saved an entire planet...oh wait...that was just a movie. Damn those 3-D glasses!

What is your zombie apocalypse escape plan?
Umm..everyone knows zombies walk really slowly. So I'd walk briskly to CNN headquarters, and have Anderson Cooper say that in this time of emergency Sarah Palin was declared military dictator of the world, prompting a government sponsored gun giveaway. Then with every non-zombie citizen holding a gun..no more zombie apocalypse. Of course..then everyone with guns would think Sarah Palin was world president, prompting pandemonium ending in mass global suicide...too far?

What scares you?
Pop rocks and soda. No..everyone knows the Mythbusters debunked that. Bees and wasps scare me. It's not true that they won't bother you if you don't bother them. I got stung by a depressed wasp on a kamikaze mission. They're evil and they're out to get me. Seriously.

Why should people see “Alice in Slasherland”?
People should come because Vampire Cowboys is going to deliver a crazy, bloody, sexy, and funny action-packed adventure that will keep your heart pumping in true horror flick fashion. There's gonna be limb slinging, crazy killing, and quite possibly the cutest puppet to grace a stage…ever.

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Cool Nerds!

2010-02-21T02:38:00.019-05:00

Yeah, I know it's only a listing, but even after 8 years of doing this, I still get a kick seeing Vampire Cowboys shows being listed in the New York Times' select "Spring Theater Listings" . . . especially when those listings call us "Cool Nerds". Yeah, that's always fun. It's like getting winked at by the most popular girl in school. No, perhaps she didn't make-out with us, but she definitely noticed that we were also at the party. And sometimes just getting that can feel pretty darn nice. I'm definitely smiling.

Now back to the business of making "Alice in Slasherland" into a kickass show. Today is FIGHT DAY! Time to work on some stabby stabby action. Cue gratuitous blood fx. Go!

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Weapons

2010-02-18T11:31:00.011-05:00

Clearly one of the most distinct elements to any Vampire Cowboys shows is our use of weaponry. From Japanese katanas to urban glocks to European battle axes, we've run the historical gambit when it comes to martial mayhem. However with our new show “Alice in Slasherland”, our arsenal is going to take a bit of a brutal makeover. Though we’re going to be taking quite a few liberties at the horror genre, one of the elements we want to stay true to is that the victims of this story are going to be regular everyday suburban teenagers. Our baddies aren’t out to slay ninjas or navy seals here, their victims are kids, typical ordinary kids. The things they’ll be using to defend themselves won’t be crazy Kung Fu weapons like nunchucks, rope darts, and tonfas. Instead it will be objects they can scramble to find around their homes.

As the show’s fight choreographer, the fun in all this will be creating a vocabulary of violence for things such as claw hammers, butcher knives, and meat cleavers. Some characters, of course, will have the ability to translate these weapons into something truly martial, while others will be applying them much in the same ways you or I would in an act of desperation. It’s these more realistic uses that excite me the most. Though I’m perhaps best known around town for my more elaborate martial arts fight choreography, it’s these more brutal, awkward, and messy fights that I cut my teeth on when I first started choreographing ten years ago. I love trying to figure out how usually non-violent characters would react to dangerous situations. How far will they go to protect themselves? How will they react when they have to kill someone? What are the natural inclinations a person has when they first pick up an object and decide that it will now be used as something to hurt or kill someone? When does the guilt hit once their opponent dies? It's these complex reactions to violence that make choreographing "realistic fights" so much fun. It allows a fight to be more than just a series of movements, but an exploration into the psychology of violence itself. All in all; fun stuff.

Below are a few of the weapons we will be using for the show. All edged weapons are rented from Preferred Arms.For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Rehearsals begin!

2010-02-17T17:22:00.005-05:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! Apologies for the lengthy absence. Juggling new daddyland responsibilities while finding time to simmer up something geek-chic-y sweet for all you sexy muhfuckahs has been quite a Herculean task these last seven months (Which is exactly how old the little Sam Samurai is at this exact moment, surprise surprise). But what I can tell you about the new show, “Alice in Slasherland”, is that it is gonna be crazy. I’m talking demon-killin’, head-explodin’, teenage a’slashin’ crazy. Vampire Cowboys is bringing our patented action-adventure girl-power aesthetic to the horror genre and it’s gonna be hella fun (this time quite literally)!

But I’m not gonna lie, coming at this newest aesthetic hasn’t been the easiest ride for your favorite yella playwright. No doubt, after 8 years of creating shows about ladies smacking down bad guys in everything from chop socky to superheroes to sci-fi, Vampire Cowboys has definitely cemented ourselves as a “girls kick ass” kinda company. However, the horror genre, the genre which “Alice in Slasherland” is tackling, draws its strength by doing the opposite. Insteada being all Foxy Brown, slasher flicks pull in props by having masked men with machetes slay scantily dressed ladies. This clearly goes counter to what we’ve been doing for years here at Vampire Cowboys. Don't worry, we don't plan on changing. However that means the challenge now, of course, is how do we make it all pro-girl without losing the fun of it being clearly a cheesy horror killfest (and also in doing so somehow avoid it feeling like a complete Buffy the Vampire Slayer knockoff). After months of experimenting with every possibility of the slasher genre from slasher docu-dramas to slasher puppet shows, I think we’ve come up with a script that hopefully pulls off everything we and you, our beloved Vamp fans, want.

With a production draft of the story ready to go into rehearsals, tonight we begin staging this ambitious motherfucker. And with stage directions like “head explodes” and “puking blood geysers”, these next several weeks are gonna be some very very bloody fun. So check in with us here at the Beyondabsurdity blog to see how we’re doing as well as read fun interviews with the cast and crew of “Alice in Slasherland”. I’ll share with ya some of the research we’ve been looking at as well as give ya sneak peeks into Vampire Cowboys process in making our bloodiest show yet.

And if you really want to keep up with the show in real time, follow me on twitter where I’ll be tweeting what’s happening each night.

So here we go! It’s time to make another Vampire Cowboys show! Yee-muhfuckin’-haw, muthafuckahs! Let’s rock!

For more info on “Alice in Slasherland”, CLICK HERE!

NINJA SCIENCE finale

2010-01-15T15:58:00.003-05:00

Here's the finale from The Saturday Night Saloon's LET'S NINJA SCIENCE RANGER GET! by Dustin Chinn, directed by Kel Haney. Just wanted to share it since it was the first "rap battle" to ever appear at The Saloon. Very fun. A great close to a great series. Maybe we'll see more of the Ninja Science team??? Only time will tell.

COUNTDOWN TO ALICE IN SLASHERLAND: Yeah, I'm in love . . .

2010-01-06T10:06:00.010-05:00

I'm in the process of doing fight research for the new Vampire Cowboys show, "Alice in Slasherland". This has been on my "gotta see" list for quite some time. Finally watched it yesterday. It's "Chocolate" (2008) directed by Prachya Pinkaew, the guy who brought us Tony Jaa and "Ong Bak" (2003). The badass lady is Yanin "Jeeja" Vismistananda. This is her first movie. Yeah. Holy shit, right? Consider me officially inspired. It's time to figure out some violence!

And in case you're wondering; No, Muay Thai unfortunately isn't the fighting style for the show. But after seeing this, I sorta wish it was.

SOUL SAMURAI: Best of and beyond...

2010-01-05T14:36:00.012-05:00

"Soul Samurai" gets some end-of-the-year love from the internets at here, here, here, here, here, and here. Thank you all for including our show in your "Best of 2009" lists. It really means the world. Seriously. It's like getting asked to dance by the prettiest girl at the party. It feels awesome.

And if you're all wondering what the future holds for Vampire Cowboys' hit supernatural samurai/vampire/70's blaxploitation show, well, it's getting published by the fine folks at Broadway Play Publishing later this year (I'll add a link to the right column as soon as it's out). AND the biggie of big news, I've teamed up with badass indie comic artist Jeremy Arambulo to create a graphic novel adaptation of "Soul Samurai". So far, we've completed a 25-page sample of it and now in the hunt for a publisher to help complete the project. Wish us luck (Or if you're a publisher yourself, call us!).

Working on this has truly been an absolute dream come true. Jeremy is an amazing artist. Check out three of the panel shots below (Random shots. Not in sequential order).

Beyondabsurdity is back!

2010-01-04T12:57:00.008-05:00

But tentatively. No promises.

Here's a picture of me and Sam aka Baby Badass.

Happy Holidays!!!

2009-12-23T10:49:00.008-05:00

See ya in 2010, Vamp Fans, where hopefully I will blog again. But even if new blog posts go the way of New Year's resolutions, worry not. I'm hard at work cooking you sexy muhfuckahs something kickass for the new season called ALICE IN SLASHERLAND! Yep, that's right, the new hotness is coming at ya this March! Get. Ready. It's gonna be SICK! Much love to you all. Have a killa holiday season and I'll see you all very very soon!!!

AND as a holiday bonus, check out below the very special Sailor Moon episode of "Let's Ninja Science Ranger Team Get!" which I directed for the SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON this past month. Written by Dustin Chinn, it stars Alexis Black, Hope Cartelli, Carla Ching, Hyosun Choi, Jon Hoche, Andrew Krug, Greta Lee, Eugene Oh, Erinn Ruth, and Bonnie Sherman. Costumes by Antonia Ford-Roberts. Enjoy!

I directed this.

2009-12-10T11:38:00.005-05:00

Yep, I did. I totally directed the shit out of this. It's the special Thanksgiving episode of "Let's Ninja Science Ranger Team Get!" produced at THE SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON. Written by Dustin Chinn. It stars Sheldon Best, Alexis Black, Stephen Heskett, Jon Hoche, Andrew Krug, Adam Mazer, Kelley O'Donnell, Eugene Oh, Lloyd Suh, Paco Tolson, and Temar Underwood. Costumes by Antonia Ford-Roberts.

Fight Fest is here!

2009-12-04T09:58:00.007-05:00

Vote Vampire Cowboys!

2009-11-21T03:05:00.003-05:00

Help out Vampire Cowboys by voting to have Chase Bank donate some much needed funds to your favorite undead wranglers of the stage. Click the link below:

Episode 2 of THE SATURDAY SALOON drops this Saturday!

2009-10-08T05:13:00.013-04:00

Here we go, here we go! Brooklyn's best serialized theatre show/party/drunken mess returns in just another 48 hours! Get ready to get your drink on as Dustin, James, Brent, Jeff, Mac, and Crystal gear up their badass teams of badass actors and directors for Episodes 2. Come early cause the house gets really full really fast and wear something light cause these shows are gonna be hot. As always, admission is free and the all-you-can-drink beer (or til we run out) is only $5. So bring your sexy asses out to Brooklyn to party with theatre's favorite bad boys and girls cause why you wanna waste time drinking frat boy fugly at some dive bar when you could be partying it up all Indie Cool at the Saloon? For mo' info, CLICK HERE!

And for all y'all who missed out on Episode 1, check out the pilot script for Mac Rogers' MOTHER SACRAMENTO by clicking here or see a couple of the pilot episodes below.

Episode 1 of Dustin Chinn's LET'S NINJA SCIENCE RANGER TEAM GET! directed by RJ Tolan. Starring Sheldon Best, Louis ChangChien, Graeme Gillis, U-Shin Kim, Kelley O'Donnell, Eugene Oh, and Adam Swiderski. Costumes by Antonia Ford-Roberts.

Episode 1 of James Comtois' ENTRENCHED directed by Patrick Shearer. Starring Brian Enk and Ben Vandenboom

Interesting...

2009-09-09T01:38:00.004-04:00

I've turned 33 on 09.09.09.
Yeah, this is gonna be a good year. Fo sho.

Get ready . . .

2009-09-03T13:09:00.005-04:00

Brooklyn's best serialized theatre show/party/drunken mess, THE SATURDAY NIGHT SALOON, returns in two weeks to the Battle Ranch. And this year we got badass bards Crystal Skillman, Dustin Chinn, and Brent Cox joining Saloon all-stars James Comtois, Mac Rogers, and Jeff Lewonczyk to bring you six all-new genre-bending adventures destined to have your drunk asses guffawing. That's right, muhfuckahs, I said guffawing. As always, the shows are still always free, the all-you-can-drink beer (or til we run out) is still always only $5, and the hotness is still gonna be straight-up magma. So bring your sexy asses out to Brooklyn to party with theatre's favorite bad boys and girls cause why you wanna waste your time drinking frat boy fugly at some dive bar when you could be partying it up all Indie Cool at the Saloon? For mo' info, CLICK HERE!

Vampire Cowboys gets some L MAGAZINE love!

2009-08-05T16:43:00.006-04:00

L MAGAZINE has just released their annual "Best of NYC" issue and this year Vampire Cowboys and New Georges gets some love. And it's all due to you, our awesome and sexy ass audience. You all fuckin' rock. To check out the shout out, CLICK HERE!

FIGHT GIRL BATTLE WORLD: Vampire Cowboys gets a love letter...

2009-08-04T10:51:00.006-04:00

As most of you know, Abby and I missed the majority of the "Fight Girl Battle World" remount this year due to the early arrival of our little Baby Badass aka Sam "Samurai" Nguyen. After two hard weeks of rehearsal and four days of hectic set building, installing, and teching, we both ended up in the hospital watching blood pressure and fetal heart monitors instead of our cast kicking ass at HERE Arts Center. And though we were blessed with the single greatest joy of our lives during the run of FGBW, we've been missing a bit of closure when it comes to our intergalactic show. That is, until now. Jenn Kim, writer for the famed sci-fi website Pink Ray Gun, posted her review of FGBW today and it was an absolute love letter. Literally. Here's an excerpt:

Vampire Cowboys, you make my life complete. You create amazing lead roles for women. You effortlessly address social issues with hilarity and grace. You write about vampires and galactic space and alien encounters. You’re damn smart, ridiculously innovative, and in sum…pretty much everything I’ve ever looked for in life. And MORE. Thank you for making this shriveled up heart love again.

So thank you, Jenn, for that review. It not only made us all smile, it finally gave me and my lady some closure to one of our favorite Vampire Cowboys shows we've ever created. Jenn Kim, we heart you too. To read the full review, CLICK HERE!

Coming Spring 2010!

2009-07-29T12:10:00.006-04:00

Drawing has always been a doorway into helping me figure out what I'm writing. This is what I put together yesterday to assist me in figuring out the feel of the new lead character in Vampire Cowboys upcoming "Alice in Slasherland". A First Bite preview will happen in October 2009 at The Battle Ranch with the full production in Spring 2010 at HERE Arts Center. Get ready. This show is gonna be bloody.

Eyes

2009-07-23T13:29:00.002-04:00

I'll be back to regular blogging in a few days, but in the meantime, look at Sam's crazy cute eyes! My lady and I are just friggin' enamored with him.

Love in pictures . . .

2009-07-19T23:58:00.010-04:00

Enter Baby Badass

2009-07-18T00:41:00.002-04:00

Marcus Samuel Huy Nguyen aka Baby Badass was born at 5:43pm on Friday, July 17, 2009, at New York Downtown Hospital via c-section. He's 4 lbs 15 ounces and 17 inches long of complete awesomeness.

Red, White, and Yella

2009-07-15T10:51:00.007-04:00

Last week, I was asked to participate in the first ever "Asian American Comic Con" here in the NYC as part of the "Every Comic is Asian American" panel in which 7 writers were asked to rewrite the origin of a "major comic book superhero" into something, well, Asian American. Since I'm such an uber-nerd, I was lost on exactly who I wanted to retcon since I'm a fan of so many. So I threw the question out to my friends and the responses all came back in heavy support of either Wonder Woman or Captain America. I ultimately opted not to do Wonder Woman since I knew I was going to have to read the piece myself and, well, I'm not a woman. With it being written in first person, I thought that woulda sounded a bit silly since I'm a horrible actor. I also decided not to go comedic with the retcon, which is my usual modus operandi, hoping to create something that could seem to be a viable rewriting for the Captain America origin. Below is the outcome. Enjoy!

RED, WHITE, AND YELLOW:
THE SECRET ORIGIN OF THE ASIAN CAPTAIN AMERICA

They named him “Captain America ”, the blond haired, blue eyed defender of the American Dream. They put him on posters and magazine covers and advertised his image across the Atlantic to make sure the Nazis knew their Aryan dream would end up being their greatest nightmare. Steve Rogers, the All American. Steve Rogers, the perfect soldier. Steve Rogers, the biggest fraud the US government has ever perpetuated on the public. Yes, they called him Captain America, but he wasn’t the only one to wear the mask.

The truth is there were 8 of us that were part of that project; five African Americans, one Jew, one skinny Wasp, and me, a Jap who didn’t dig on internment camps.

This was 1943, just the year prior, anyone with a yella belly was relocated from their coastal homes into landlocked camps encircled by miles and miles of rednecks, dickheads, and politicians who didn’t give a rat’s ass about giving civil rights to anyone who wasn’t white. The US had been part of the war for two years and had recently just lifted their ban on Japanese Americans serving in the military due to the success of the 442nd Infantry Regiment, a primarily Asian American unit used to fight the Nazis in Europe. My brother was part of that regiment. He was blown up in France and his body was shipped back in a wooden box. My mother was devastated, my father however defiantly remarked at his funeral, “Is this what it takes for an Asian man to finally be seen as a full American? Are we only countrymen if we’re dead?”

I had no interest in joining my brother in the dirt, but that didn’t stop them from knocking on my door as well. It was three men. Two dressed in Military Officer blue and one fella who looked like he stepped out of a Mary Shelley novel; dressed in a lab coat, a monocle, and holding a folder with my name clearly printed across it.

“Sorry, fellas, I’m not interested in joining the 442nd,” I immediately say to them.

The man in the labcoat acknowledges with a smile. “Oh, we’re not here to put you on any battalion.”

“Then what are you here for?” I ask.

The labcoat opens the folder with my name on it, scans it at he speaks to me. “We understand your parents just lost their eldest son. It must be hard to deal with such a tragedy trapped in such cramped quarters. I’d like to offer your family an opportunity to leave this relocation camp.

“Where to?” I inquire.

“Anywhere they like. Full autonomy. And on top of that, we’ll even foot the bill for any expenses they’ll ever need. Your parents will never have to work another day in their lives, what do you think?”

“What’s the catch?” I ask.

“Well, you just have to come with me to find out, now won’t you?”

It’s funny the difference between 1940’s America and today. Today, we have news channels, internet websites, twitter feeds to gather us information. You can’t have a war in 2009 without it blazed across at least four different types of media. We’re too curious, too suspicious. In 1944, that wasn’t the case. Americans in those days had zero questions about anything their government was feeding them. Front page news had pictures of Captain America defeating the Nazis, the Japs, storming Normandy, and blowing up Kamikaze planes over the Pacific all in the span of hours, yet no one seemed to put the math together that Captain America was fighting multiple battles all around the world simultaneously. I guess the US was too happy to have a hero. They didn’t mind that it didn’t make a lick of sense.

Three days after Uncle Sam visited me, I’m seated in a small grey-walled room with seven other fellas. Isaiah Bradley, a tall skinny African American gentlemen, sits next to me. “Hey, you got any idea what this is all about?”

“No, I thought we were going to boot camp,” I tell him.

“Yo, glasses!” Isaiah gets the attention of the only white kid in the group. “You got any clue?”

“No sir,” answers the scrawny little pink-skinned runt of the litter.

Looking around the room, this did not look like it had the potentials of creating an elite military force. No, besides Isaiah, everyone else looked like the before picture in the old Charles Atlas Workout Ads where some wimply kid is getting sand kicked in his face by a bully.

As we all tried to piece together what little information each of us had, the labcoat and his two body guards enter the room.

“Hello, Gentlemen. My name is Dr. Abraham Erskine. I am the chief geneticist of this complex and I look forward to working with each and every one of you in the coming weeks. You have all been selected for a top-secret defense project in genetic realignment called Operation: Rebirth. We are seeking to develop a means of creating physically superior soldiers through genetic science and from the data we have gathered on all of you, your DNA coding is a perfect match for our latest Vita-Ray compound.”

“The hell is this guy talking about?” Isaiah whispers into my ear.

I raise my hand. It’s the only thing I can think of to do. “You’ve gathered data on all of us? When?”

As it turns out, we all had one major thing in common. We had all lost siblings to the war. That’s how they found us. They drew blood from dead soldier’s bodies to see how it would chemically react to their “super soldier serum”. Ninety-nine percent of all the specimens spoiled immediately, except for eight. Those eight were our dead brothers, so thusly they came looking for the closest match.

“I thought we were going to boot camp,” Isaiah interrupts.

“After we’re done with you, you won’t need boot camp.”

Five weeks later, they had all of us doing things no human being should be able to do. The compound reacted differently in each of us. Steve, famously, grew five inches taller and gained fifty extra pounds of pure muscle. Seeing this, Dr. Erskine prematurely declared him “a new breed of man, a nearly perfect human being”. However, if Steve Rogers was the perfect man, then Isaiah must have become a demigod because everything that occurred in Steve seemed to work twice as well inside of Isaiah’s molecular structure. Isaiah was faster, stronger, and sharper than Steve. He easily could lift the backend of cars and toss them as if they were empty trashcans. He went beyond the limits of human perfection, he was literally becoming a superman before our eyes.

“Wait til the Nazis get a load of you!” Steve says, still the nerdy little boy underneath his brand new athletic exterior. “If them Nazis hated Jesse Owens for beating their asses at the Olympics, they’re gonna kill themselves when they see you tossing their tanks around! Superior race my ass!”

I, however, did not get the strength or height or speed like that of either of my teammates. Though my body did get stronger and faster, it was still a far cry from what Isaiah and Steve were pulling off on the obstacle course range. I did get something else though, something no one would have guessed possible. While Steve and Isaiah jumped through hoops and fought with shields, I simply stood for my training. I stood in front of a tall concrete wall as the other five members of Operation: Rebirth took turns pulling firearms and shooting me at point-blank range. No, I wasn’t as strong as Isaiah or as fast as Steve, but I did become something neither of the other two “Caps” had ever become. I became bulletproof.

As we all neared the end of our testing, Dr. Erskine hands us over to the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division of the military for dispatch and assignment. Isaiah was sent to Europe along with the majority of Operation: Rebirth to fight the Nazis. I was put on a ship headed for Japan to infiltrate and fight the Japanese from the inside. Steve, ironically, was put on desk duty for the majority of the war and used strategically for photo ops and publicity events. He was a good kid, but he wasn’t yet ready to be a soldier.

“You’ve been issued a mask and uniform that you should wear anytime you’re in combat,” says my commanding officer in charge of my assignment.

“A mask?”

“It’s part of a new strategy we’re adopting to help cut the enemy’s morale.”

“This is my uniform? It looks like something you’d wear on a parade float. You’re kidding me, right? The head piece has wings on it and it’s colored in red, white, and blue. And what’s with the gigantic ‘A’ painted across my forehead?”

“It stands for America, son.”

“Or asshole.”

He does not budge. “Your orders are to wear this anytime you are in combat, do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

I’m not gonna lie, the first time I put on the costume I felt like a complete douchebag, but the moment I ran into my first fight, I suddenly realized exactly why they had me wear such a bright and colorful costume. As the bombs fell and guns fired around me, I instantly became a beacon for all my fellow soldiers. I was only one man, but I was a man that couldn’t be stopped by bullets or bombs or grenades and our boys saw that. This infuriated the enemy. Whenever I came onto the field, they lost all focus. They wanted me dead first and foremost. They magnetized to me like flies to a fluorescent light. They became so obsessed with trying to crush America’s mascot that they lost all reason on the field giving our soldiers immediate strategic advantage. As silly as this costume was, it was working.

As for the fighting itself, even though I was Japanese by heritage, going to combat against the “Land of the Rising Sun” wasn’t as hard as I first imagined. As it turns out, it’s pretty easy to hate someone who’s shooting a gun directly at your face regardless of what they may look like. Whenever I was in a fire fight, I had no problem performing my job. I never hesitated to snuff’em out since I knew they were trying to deep-six me in return. In war, killing is simple. It’s actually during the quiet moments that are the most scary. It was in these moments when my thoughts tortured me, making me question what I did out in the field; any soldier I took down could have easily been one of my cousins or uncles or some other long lost relative. The fact that I could be literally extinguishing part of my own family’s line rattled inside of my brain during the night time hours. Socializing with my fellow soldiers gave little relief since they spent a majority of their time lifting their own morale by mocking the ethnicity of the people they were fighting, taking pot shots at people who shared the same eyes and face and history as I did. It was in these moments that made it hard to be Captain America.

As the war waged on, I’d see my picture in the papers. Correction: It wasn’t completely my picture. It was indeed my body but with Steve’s face usually edited on. If it was ever Isaiah, the shot was always from yards away so you could only see the star on his uniform and the silhouette of his body. Yes, we were winning the war, but Steve Rogers was quickly becoming America’s greatest hero and all he had to do was look pretty in front of a camera.

We didn’t mind though. We all had our roles to play and, honestly, the role Steve was playing was one that none of us were interested to take.

It was on August 6th, 1945, when we realized why it was called “Operation: Rebirth”. All this while, we assumed it was in reference to how they had changed all of us, but instead it was actually referring to what they were preparing for Steve. This was all for him. As soon as Nazi forces fell, the rest of Isaiah’s men mysteriously “disappeared” and their families were told they had been killed in combat. Isaiah, however, somehow escaped and became an underground legend known as the “Black Captain America.” I was in Hiroshima on assignment on that exact day when the Enola Gay dropped its atomic payload right on top of my head. It was the explosion that ended the war. It was also supposed to be my death and the rebirth of the one true Captain America, Steve Rogers. But as we all know, that’s not what happened.

Steve disappeared shortly after the war. Some said he got frozen in a glacier for fifty years. I think that’s pretty unlikely. I’d like to think that our old partner figured out what was happening and became so disgusted by what Dr. Erskine and the government had planned that he gave up the costume too. The truth is no one knows. He supposedly resurfaced in the seventies, but I’ve seen pictures of this Steve Rogers and the Steve I see on TV right now isn’t the same guy I knew back in the 40’s. I don’t know who this Captain America is, but he’s not the guy I knew.

I was supposed to die in 1945. I’m now 95 years old and don’t look a spit over 29. Whatever first made Captain America is still inside me. Still changing and evolving me, still keeping me bulletproof and indestructible. I’ve been married and had children and watched my wife grow old and die. I’ve outlived everyone I ever knew back in WWII. I’ve seen a black man become president and I’ve seen the US apologize for what they did to my parents and all Asian Americans during the 40’s. Though I still look like a young man, I’ve lived a full life; a good life; one that I thought was destined for quiet days and serene afternoons until last night.

Last night, I was approached by a man. He wasn’t in a labcoat or a suit of any kind, but he was definitely military. He dressed in black and adorned an eye-patch and said that he knew who I was and what I could do. He said that they’ve been keeping tabs on me for over fifty years and now as we embark into a new presidency, he wanted to know if I’d be interested in being part of an all new “initiative”.

I asked him what’s in it for me.

He said simply, “It’s a chance for you to finally reclaim you title, Captain.”

I told him . . . I’d think about it.

FIGHT GIRL BATTLE WORLD: SOLD OUT

2009-07-14T12:55:00.010-04:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! "Fight Girl Battle World" returns tonight! And every performance is now officially SOLD OUT from top to bottom! Thank you to everyone who bought your tickets early, giving the show a sellout run for the second time in a row. We definitely appreciate your support and love you all tremendously for escaping with us into our pop-culture sci-fi world of theatre geekiness. You ALL effin' rock! Thank you, thank you, thank you. This absolutely kicks ass! We'll see you at the show!

In case you're still trying to get in, there's still hope, waitlists begin at 4pm each night at the theatre.

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Begins Tomorrow!

2009-07-13T08:18:00.006-04:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! "Fight Girl Battle World" begins tomorrow night and there's now only 30 tix left for the Friday at 11pm performance! All other performances are now officially SOLD OUT! Get'em now! It's gonna be a great time! Here's the ticket link: http://bit.ly/gZrP7

Waitlists begin at 4pm live at the theatre.

See ya soon!
You rock.

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Tickets are selling out!

2009-07-09T17:54:00.005-04:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! Finally, Vampire Cowboys' critically-acclaimed show, "Fight Girl Battle World", returns for a limited 6 performance run at HERE Arts Center this coming Tuesday (July 14th)! Three of the performances have already SOLD OUT including opening and closing nights and there's only a handful left on the other three performances (As of today, 10 tix left for Thursday, 10 for the Friday at 7:30 performance, and 33 for the Friday at 11pm performance), so please grab yours now so you won't miss out on all the action and adventure! We promise ya, this is one fun geekalicious sci-fi theatrical ride you are not gonna want to miss! Get your tickets here!

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Comic News Insider

2009-07-08T00:29:00.005-04:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! Without a doubt, one of the best boons to doing pop-culture geeky shows like "Fight Girl Battle World" is getting the chance to be on badass pop-culture geeky podcasts like COMIC NEWS INSIDER. Jimmy and Joe are an amazingly fun and funny duo who do an amazingly fun show which includes everything from comic book reviews to celebrity interviews. Some of their past guests include folks like Joss Whedon, Nathan Fillion, Summer Glau, Michael Emerson, John Cassaday, Amber MacArthur, the list just goes on and on. With such a rich history of killa guests, it's always an honor whenever Vampire Cowboys gets the chance to be on CNI. Which we are this week. Including interviews with Jon, Paco, Bonnie, Melissa, Me, and maybe Andrea? (Keep listening after the end credit music, there's a surprise call). And Jimmy even personally plugged "Fight Girl" on his own personal blog. So now, seriously, what are you waiting for? Buy your tickets here already! And listen to the COMIC NEWS INSIDER podcast here! Those guys absolutely kick ass. CNI rocks!

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Deleted Scene

2009-07-07T01:07:00.013-04:00

It’s always interesting to me to see old drafts of my plays, to be able to compare all the changes between first impulse to final product. More often than not, the scenes I usually “deep six” are some of my favs. The bottom one is from the first draft of “Fight Girl Battle World” which was a much different (read complex and convoluted) story than the one that finally ended up onstage. The original show was about several different species of aliens all warring for the final habitable planet in the universe. It was nearly thirty pages longer in length and about a thousand times more confusing than the current version. So after months of rewrites, discussions with all the VC artistic team, and some unusually stiff drinks, I went about cutting out all the fat and, honestly, a lot of my favorite bits to finally come up with the beloved show that is now about to appear at HERE Arts Center in exactly one week. Check out the scene below. It's one that I quite like. Laugh. And then, please, immediately go grab your tix to FIGHT GIRL here!

A Deleted Scene from
FIGHT GIRL BATTLE WORLD

[In the hull of a dark warship]

[E-V aka Fight Girl aka the last human female in the universe
is spying on ADON-RA aka the last human male in the universe
as he is working out without his shirt on]

[He spots her]

ADON-RA: Can I help you?

E-V: Um. Where’s J’an?

ADON-RA: She’s flying the ship.

E-V: Oh. Right. I knew that.

[E-V exits.
ADON-RA begins doing push-ups again.
E-V sticks her head back in to look at him]

ADON-RA: Is there something I can help you with?

E-V: No. Yes. Do you have any...wax?

ADON-RA: Wax?

E-V: For my gun. I want to shine up my gun. Before...you know...the killing and stuff.

ADON-RA: On the shelf. With the other weapons.

E-V: Thanks.

[E-V grabs the wax and leaves.
She peeks again]

ADON-RA: Okay, why do you keep spying on me?

E-V: I’m not spying on you.

ADON-RA: Uh, yeah you are.

E-V: I’m just...suspicious of you. You know, cause you’re an intergalactic serial killer.

ADON-RA: That was fictitious propaganda made up by the UGC.

E-V: Still. You know what they say. Behind every made-up piece of libel there’s a kernel of truth.

ADON-RA: That’s not a saying.

E-V: Whatever, I don’t trust you.

ADON-RA: I’m not going to kill you.

E-V: But you might.

ADON-RA: I’m not.

E-V: Just stay way from me, okay? I have a gun.

ADON-RA: I see that.

E-V: So no killing me, understood? I gotta gun. A very big...big...gun.

ADON-RA: Why are you staring at my crotch?

E-V: I’m not staring at your crotch! You're staring at your crotch! I mean your crotch is stupid! You’re stupid!

[E-V rushes out again and then back in]

E-V: I just want to be clear I wasn’t staring at your crotch.

ADON-RA: Look, do you wanna fool around or something?

E-V: What? Ew. No. Stay away from me!

[E-V runs away]

ADON-RA: I thought that’s why you were here in the first place. “To ensure the survival of the human race.”

[E-V returns]

E-V: Who told you that?

ADON-RA: J’an.

E-V: Well, J’an’s a blark who doesn't know what she's -

ADON-RA: Calm down. All I’m saying is if you’re into it, I'm game. It has to be better than the usual. Smordak shapeshifters. Every time they orgasm, they revert back into larvae. It’s really messy. But it does feel pretty good. Very squishy

E-V: You’re disgusting.

ADON-RA: I’m human.

E-V: That doesn’t make you any less disgusting.

ADON-RA: All I’m saying is it could be fun.

E-V: It certainly would not be fun.

ADON-RA: It wouldn’t?

E-V: That’s not what I mean. I’m just saying...look, I’m not bad at it or anything...it’s just -

ADON-RA: Wait just a minute. How long has it been?

E-V: Since what?

ADON-RA: Since the last time you saw a human.

E-V: Oh that? Um...never.

ADON-RA: Never? So does that mean you’re a...

E-V: What?

ADON-RA: You know.

E-V: What?

ADON-RA: Are you a...

E-V: You do know I have no problem shooting you right in your qwarding face, Adon-Ra. I swear.

ADON-RA: Holy durk, you are, aren’t you?

E-V: I’ll blow it right off, I swear.

ADON-RA: I can’t believe it. The last human female in the universe is a virgin.

E-V: I am not. I’ve had plenty of sex...just not with...anyone.

ADON-RA: Hahahaha!

E-V: Stop laughing.

ADON-RA: I’m not laughing. Hehehehehehe.

E-V: I lived primarily on a reptilian planet, okay? They don’t find mammals very attractive.

ADON-RA: And that, E-V, is exactly why we’re out to kill them.

For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Jon & Paco's Rehearsal Journal - Week 1

2009-07-06T04:03:00.000-04:00

Whaddup, Vamp Fans! VCTC fan favorites, Jon Hoche and Paco Tolson, are back at it again with their very popular video rehearsal journals series! It's a great sneak peek into what we're doing here at Vampire Cowboys to get "Fight Girl Battle World" back up to full power for its limited 6 performance run at HERE Arts Center. The above video features glimpses of our fights, puppetry, and even some scenework. So if you dig feeling like a fly on the wall and seeing some of our actors pretend to ride giant invisible lizards, this shiznet is the shizzle for you, son! The show begins its run in a little more than a week (July 14th - 18th to be exact) . Opening and closing night performances are already sold out. Tix are obviously going fast, so get yours now here!

For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

Um . . . help?

2009-06-30T16:16:00.011-04:00

There’s a famous African proverb that goes “It takes a village to raise a child.” If that’s truly the case, then I’m calling all villagers preemptively. Cause I needs me some muhfuckin’ help. Big time.

Everyone warned Abby and I that our lives were soon going to be very different. What they didn’t tell us was that transformation from simple to complex (And let’s be honest here, nothing in the life of an artist is that simple to begin with) was going to begin far before the first gasps of air inside the delivery room. From First Trimester jitters to the final eight weeks of our pregnancy, we’ve gone from enjoying the idea of building a family to actually building one in less than 8 months. And I’d love to pretend that I’ve been completely normal about all this while my wife has been hormonal, but the truth is I’ve been a bit nutty too.

I’m behind. No, no, I’m really fucking behind. And I’m not just talking script deadlines or work hours either (though, yes, I’m thoroughly past due on all those things too). It’s not just my art that’s suffering; it’s my entire life that’s somehow derailed off the Roman calendar. From the constant juggling act which I call my career to even the simplest of household chores, it seems that no matter what I do or how hard I push myself, I am not able to get a step ahead on anything anymore. Which is weird for me and my lady since we’re Asian and Jewish, respectively, which means we’re both born overachievers by nature. We like getting our shit done early. However, with little Baby Badass rounding the final base before heading home, everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) in the regular routine of Abby and Qui has gone completely haywire, including how we see our own lives.

In week one of our pregnancy, I loved my wife like any husband loves their lover. You look at them all glossy-eyed anytime they enter the room, you get addicted to their kisses and their touch and if you’re away from them for too long you find yourself missing them a bit more than you should. You’re like this because you’re aware that the affection you two share is rare and precious and miraculous and now that love is sprouting you an offspring which in all counts is fucking amazing. That’s exactly what it was like during the first weeks when we found out we were having a baby. I fell deeper in love with Abby in a way that I have never felt for anyone before. It was pure happiness with just a sprinkling of fear about what’s to come. And it was absolutely magical.

However, 33 weeks later, yes, I still love my wife and still miss her whenever I’m away from her for too long (3 hours tend to be my limit), but now what once felt like Disney magic in scope has slightly veered into a bit more Stephen King’esque obsession. I’ve gone from simply being in love with my lady to now being slightly freaked out anytime she sneezes or coughs or hiccups. Where I once gazed into her eyes to glimpse into her soul, I’m now looking to make sure that her pupils are the right size and not bloodshot at all. I’ve transformed from a romantic who didn’t mind smiling at strangers to now an overprotective berserker who easily gets pissed off at hipsters on the subway when they don’t give up their seat for my wife. I’m a walking landmine that would immediately coldcock a stranger if they accidentally bumped into my bride. I’ve gone from happy-go-lucky to now the type of guy who would easily stab a muhfuckah if I felt like they were any kind of threat to Abby or our baby. In other words, during the last 33 weeks, I’ve somehow evolved from being a simple artsy fartsy artist into becoming, well, a lot like my dad. And that shit is scary.

“Okay, so now I’m starting to freak out”. This is my wife on the phone with me just yesterday morning

“What’s wrong, baby? Do you need me to hit somebody? Cause I’ll hit muthafuckah if you need me to hit muthafuckah. Fo’ reals.”

“No, 50 Cent” she responds sarcastically. “It’s my OB/GYN.”

“You want me to hit your OB/GYN?”

“No!”

“Then what is it?” my tone immediately shifts. Anytime Abby brings up her OB/GYN, I’m all ears. She’s the one afterall who keeps my baby healthy, the one who will be delivering our little guy into the world. Though I’m willing to crack a cut-down at almost any circumstance, when it comes to Abby’s Doc, my ears are glued harder than a conservative douchebag listening to Rush Limbaugh.

“She says there’s a small possibility, but a very real small possibility, that little Baby Badass could come early.”

“How early?” I carefully ask.

“Early enough that we may not be able to see our own show, "Fight Girl Battle World", in two weeks.”

And suddenly everything that I’m behind in accomplishing has just drifted even later into my calendar.

Before you get too worried about our sitch though, the truth is that our doctor really did mean it when she said it was a “slight possibility”. I won’t go into the details because it’ll just make folks queasy (And when I say “folks”, I mean “me”). Just know that it’s a very very small chance that little BB will be making his debut earlier than August 20th, but even hearing that there was a teeny probability has sent us both into a complete frenzy. Even my darling Abby who is usually always been rational about our upcoming parenthood had a bit of a meltdown.

“We’re not ready,” Abby states, as if I wasn’t thinking the exact same thing. “Our house isn’t ready, our overnight bag isn’t packed, we haven’t even finished all our childbirth classes. And what about all the stuff we haven’t bought yet? We don’t have sheets for the crib or a changing pad or clothes to change the baby in. We don’t have any swaddle sheets or burp cloths or anything! We don’t have anything!”

Which isn’t completely true. We did just have a very lovely baby shower about a week ago where a bunch of our friends went to town on our “Buy Buy Baby” registry. However, I'm not gonna lie, though we got alotta shit, we still didn't get all the shit we need. Who knew? Babies need diapers.

“We’re fucked, Qui! We’re totally fucked! We don’t have enough time! And now . . . Oh God, what about the show? How are we going to produce this show? What are we going to do?”

And this is when I step in to do my job, the job that has made life a tad bit more time consuming, but a whole lot more worthwhile, I drop everything I'm doing and I’m there to coax my lady back from the edge. I perform my job as her husband. By the time we’re finished talking, she’s idling back at neutral and we’ve figured a plan of attack in case little BB decides to make an early entrance.

I’m not gonna lie, the world right now feels like an angry turbulent river, yet instead of being in a kayak, Abby and I are now stuck trudging through its waters wearing shoes made out of congealed blubber. Adulthood is no longer like the faint smell of salt in the air before it rains. It’s now officially raining. And in this moment, Abby and I are just trying to find a way to keep our heads above water. We have a ton of responsibilities and they’re all responsibilities we don’t have the luxury at failing. I guess that’s what makes them adult responsibilities. I guess this is what being adult feels like.

Amongst all the impending parental fears though, my lady and I still have a show to do. And though it was once something we both could pull off easily with our eyes closed, it now feels a tad harder than usual. When all our free time is dedicated to doctor visits, childbirth classes, fixing the house, going to the store for missing baby supplies, and, for me, massaging and taking care of my wife anytime she’s uncomfortable (and at 33 weeks, everything is starting to be uncomfortable for her all the time), figuring out how to make theatre and still maintain a good life for our new family is our next great challenge. And it’s one we’re starting to realize we can’t do alone. It takes a village afterall . . .

So here’s my plea; if you like this blog or a fan of Vampire Cowboys or just a friend of mine or my wife’s, consider this your "Bat-signal". We’re gonna need your help in ensuring our little Baby Badass doesn’t grow up becoming, well, bad. We need you to share with little BB all your guidance, wisdom, and love. Life doing NYC theatre is often hard and hectic, and though we’ve made a pretty wonderful home for ourselves at The Battle Ranch, we know it’s only alongside you that will allow this life to be even remotely sustainable. Help. Help raise little Baby Badass in the years to come and help look after our other love child, Vampire Cowboys. Afterall, you were the ones who made VC rock for the last 7 years, not us. We just made some shows. You however made it a party. Let’s do the same for little BB. And please do come see “Fight Girl Battle World”, tell your friends, guilt your buddies, and buy your tickets early. If all goes as planned, Abby and I will be there to party with ya for one last time before tackling our first months of parenthood. If things come early, well, drink some beers for us. We like it when our friends have fun. Either way, we love ya and look forward to watching our child grow up amongst you in this village of New York Theatre.

For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

Congratulations to Jeanie and Lloyd!

2009-06-29T13:14:00.012-04:00

Two of our closest friends, badass playwright Lloyd Suh and his gorgeous children-book writing bride Jeanie Lee, got married this past weekend. It was an absolutely beautiful and fun ceremony. Abby and I were teary-eyed with joy the whole weekend long. It's always so amazing to be in a room with so much love. Congratulations to the new Mister and Missus Suh. We love ya!

Who invited the fat guy?

2009-06-26T13:13:00.005-04:00

Along with Birkenstocks, pogs, and alt rock, sometime during the mid-nineties, co-ed baby showers became all the rage. Before this, the act of celebrating the upcoming arrival of one’s offspring was completely reserved for the mother-to-be and all her Double X’d chromosomed friends. However, with the onset of the Clinton era, the once solely estrogen party began including sausage links amongst their spread of finger sandwiches and flowery h’orderves. And though hippie sandals and Lollapalooza went out of style post Slick Willy’s terms in office, co-ed baby showers still remain as the most popular way of hazing soon-to-be new parents.

This past Sunday, Abby and I joined this tradition when we were thrown a baby shower by our friends, Michi Barall and Chuck Mee, two brilliant and beautiful people who we love immensely. It was a fun and celebratory afternoon with a gang of our friends all collected to virtually high five our impending little Baby Badass. My lady and I were absolutely moved by all the love in the room. Michi really put on a good show.

However, even with all the good times, here’s the problem with the co-ed show. Right now, less than two months away from our baby’s due date, 33 weeks into our pregnancy, Abby is an absolutely gorgeous glowing magnificent mother-to-be. She radiates awesomeness like a raver at an all-night glowstick party. She’s the epitome of beautiful in every aspect of the word. Pregnancy has brought out the absolute best in her. Up and down, she is a true masterpiece of pure humanity.

I, on the other hand, have become a big fat slob of big fat slobbiness.

Clearly, it’s a combination that does not make for good pictures.

This is what makes co-ed showers such a mistake. Cause, yes, there are a few men out there who are able to escape the sympathy eating weight gain of pregnancy, but for the most part, a lot of us fellas gain just as many pounds as our ladies during this miraculous time and, believe it or not, a perfectly round and glowing belly on a dude just doesn’t come off nearly as enchanting. I am no exception. I got a burger baby. And no one seems to want to hide the comparison either.

The bride gets; “Abby looks absolutely wonderful, doesn’t she? Motherhood does such wondrous things to women. Every aspect of her is a complete wonder now. She is wondiferous.”

I, however, get . . . “And you, Qui, you look absolutely . . . jolly!”

“Jolly”, as everyone knows, is just the politically safe way of saying “fat fat fatty”.

I can’t really argue the point though. They’re right. Abby does looks like a cover model for “Pregnancy Magazine”. I, however, look like the “Before picture” in a Slimfast commercial. This is why men shouldn’t be at showers, not because we don’t want to celebrate our child just as much as all the moms, it’s the fact that we royally fuck up the pictures. This isn’t something you want to see and record. This is like letting Quasimodo out of the bell tower to have some cake with Esmeralda. It’s like the first thirty minutes of “Return of the Jedi”. If this were a wedding, I’d be a bridesmaid except for an ugly dress, I got 30 extra pounds of lard wrapped around my belly.

The sad thing is I actually pulled off getting back into shape just a year ago while prepping for our wedding. I worked out three hours a day, ate primarily healthy foods far within my daily allotment of 2000 calories, and generally stayed pretty active during the week. But now I hear my junior high coach ringing instruction in my ears, “It takes the average human being two years of rigorous exercise and diet to get into peak shape, it however only takes two mere weeks of sedentary living and a calorie rich diet to get that same person remarkably out of shape.”

Two weeks? Two weeks? Try 33 straight weeks, Coach “fuckface”. Yes, I’d love to be able to have naturally high metabolism or have the free time to work out an hour a day or be able to say “no” to ice cream or . . . um, forget that last part.

The bottom line is this, though I agree that my wife is gorgeous, how come no one wants to rub my belly? Burger babies like parties too.

RIP Moonwalker

2009-06-25T21:03:00.004-04:00

MICHAEL JACKSON
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Goodnight, Angel

2009-06-25T14:02:00.003-04:00

FARRAH FAWCETT
February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009

LIVING DEAD IN DENMARK in DC!

2009-06-24T17:15:00.008-04:00

For all you DC cats wanting a fix of yo' favorite yella playwright; stay put, my chiggas, my shit is coming to you. That's right, you gonna get some Qui-love DC-style cause the bad boys and girls of Rorschach Theatre are planning to inject some geek-chic pop-culture geekiness into the Capitol City by producing my show "Living Dead in Denmark", the play that first blew it all wide open for my Vampire Cowboys here in NYC. The show is directed by Casey Kaleba and it's part of the company's ninth season which includes "Dead City" by Sheila Callaghan, "Brain People" by Jose Rivera, and their current "1001" by Jason Grote. Yeah, that's one mighty impressive lineup, right? Sheila, Jose, and Jason are three of my favorite playwrights in the city, so it's mighty fun seeing my nerdy ass name next to theirs. For more info on Rorschach Theatre's "Living Dead in Denmark", click here!

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: The Trailer

2009-06-23T04:25:00.003-04:00

For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

The Last Dragon autograph!

2009-06-23T00:49:00.004-04:00

Holy crap, my buddy Jeremy Arambulo got me an autograph from Taimak aka The Last Dragon aka Bruce Leroy aka the character I homaged in "Soul Samurai". Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, you wanna touch me.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T01:48:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of my pop and I back in the day (In 1979 to be exact). I was 3, he was 35. And, yes, that's a shag carpet and wood panel walls! Gotta love the seventies, yo! Love ya, Dad! Happy Father's Day!

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Interviewed by Adam Szymkowicz

2009-06-20T18:30:00.013-04:00

The awesome and talented writer Adam Szymkowicz (author of "Pretty Theft", "Food for Fish", "Nerve", "Deflowering Waldo", "Susan Get Some Play") has just added me to his fine collection of playwright interviews. Check it out here!

For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

A letter to my son in regards to religion . . .

2009-06-18T16:19:00.012-04:00

Dear Son,

As you get older, there will inevitably come a time in your life when you will sit down and ponder questions of a religious nature. You will look at your own faith and the conflicting faiths of your parents – your mother being Jewish and your father being, well, generally confused because he went to a Baptist church on Sundays during his childhood yet raised Buddhist the other 6 days of the week, then converted to LDS for approximately five months in HS, and now seems more driven by what he reads in comic books than he does by any sort of religious convictions – and this will make you question the very fabrics of your own beliefs. This is not unusual, son. All smart or, at least, above average thinkers will sit down and do this because anyone who doesn’t spend a great deal questioning and thinking these things at some point in their lives usually ends up growing up to be a pretty shallow dumbass.

This of course will then perhaps catalyst you into studying the different creeds and doctrines of all religions to try to find the root of all religious thinking, hypothesizing that maybe we all share at least a few common beliefs regardless of dogma. And you will suppose that “killing is bad” is a pretty good example of this commonality, an act so evil and heinous that it would be completely retarded to think otherwise. All religions surely can agree on this, right? But then you will read something somewhere in some book contradicting this by saying that killing is okay during a time of war. And then somewhere else you’ll read that all war is bad. And then you’ll read somewhere else still that living life is a war and that war is a war between good and evil. And then you’ll question, “Um, wait just minute. What’s good? What’s evil?”

And this will get you into reading books by people like Nietzsche and Descartes and Locke and Dostoyevsky and you will think, “All this shit is fucking cool”, which may inspire you to become a philosophy major in college where you will smoke clove cigarettes, fuck hippies, and listen to generally bad acoustic music with zero soul, but alotta political messages, behind them. And then you’ll go into the “real world” with that philosophy degree and find out, after a few years of working as a waiter and/or bartender, that the only thing a degree in philosophy is really good for is, well, more school. So you’ll go back and you’ll study and suddenly during the second round of your higher education you’ll figure out that clove cigarettes are really disgusting and hippies smell bad and all that fucking acoustic music is really horrible to listen to while you’re making sweet love to anyone that isn’t doused in gallons of patchouli, so you’ll switch majors to something business oriented, graduate, and then become a yuppie.

And then you’ll move into your generation’s version of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where you’ll have neighbors like your mother and father who are actual artists and these people will talk shit about you behind your back as you buy furniture primarily from Ikea and begin fucking people who are far too dumb for you and, because of your higher income bracket, will generally cause the rental rates of their neighborhood to sky rocket, but you won’t care because you can afford it so fuck’em. And then you’ll get married and have kids and then one day run across one of those books by some Eastern European thinker and for a brief second you’ll reminisce on those fun collegiate days of smoking pot in rasta hats and having sex with women who didn’t use deodorant, but loved to spend the night venting on all the ills of the government, right before you take that same book and use it to kill a bug or cockroach or rat. And then you’ll go back to watching the Giants beat the shit out of the Cowboys on television because, dammit, maybe your dad had it right all along, maybe sports are indeed better than religion.

Yes, this may all happen. Of course, it most likely will not. The truth is there is nothing in this life that is completely definite except for, of course, the love your mother and I have for you. That is the one thing that you can always count on. Never trust anyone who says they have all the answers. The bottom line, son, is this; It’s always okay to doubt, but it’s never okay to cheer for the Dallas Cowboys. Never.

Much love,
Your father

Haiku1 for BB

2009-06-17T17:26:00.003-04:00

My Baby Badass
Soon, in two months you will be
My littlest ninja

Go see GLEE CLUB!

2009-06-17T14:56:00.010-04:00

Holy crap, that’s two for two, Brick Theater! After seeing James Comtois’ fuckin’ brilliant play, “Infectious Opportunity”, during the week before at The Anti-Depressant Festival, Abby and I went back to see Matt Freeman’s “Glee Club”. And all I gotta say is YOU NEED TO SEE THIS SHIT. It was so good it made me want to tongue kiss the playwright (Not that I don’t already, Freeman’s a sexy bitch). Seriously, there were points in the show my lungs were actually physically in pain from laughing so hard and I was scared all the hysterics were going to put Abby into early labor. The ensemble from top to bottom was absolutely stellar, the music will stick in your head and leave you smiling for the rest of the night, and the writing...as I said, it made me want to mouthfuck Freeman...err, kiss Freeman...aw, fuck it, I wanted make babies with him it was so good. Go see it. It’s a blast. It was a good reminder that some of the best spectacle you can make onstage is simply by having great writing and acting on it. Grab yo’ tix here!

Trailer for THE ROAD

2009-06-17T01:36:00.004-04:00

Holy crap, just finished this book last night and this muhfuckah is bleak. Very powerful stuff, but mad depressing. A very addictive read though, I blazed through it in basically a night. And, of course, they're making a movie of it. IMHO, Viggo Mortensen as The Man is a great call.

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Paco Tolson as Tom Sawyer

2009-06-16T12:22:00.004-04:00

During the run of "Soul Samurai", two of our actors, Jon Hoche and Paco Tolson, took it upon themselves to keep our Vamp Fans abreast of all our artistic progress by making and publishing several of these fun little behind-the-scenes videos. The videos highlighted everything from the show's fight choreography to what we were eating in rehearsals to even our annual participation in the NY Comic Con. They proved to be quite popular to many of our audience members and because of that popularity, Jon and Paco plan on doing more for the upcoming "Fight Girl Battle World" remount. The one above is a "deleted scene" from the final week's rehearsal vid. It's of Paco Tolson goofing around during one of our long Saturday rehearsal breaks. For no particular reason, he's pretending to be "Tom Sawyer", which ended up becoming quite a popular backstage vid we all addictively watched, passed around, and cracked on during the run of "Soul Samurai". And now it's available for your enjoyment too! Check it out!
For tickets & more info on "Fight Girl Battle World", CLICK HERE!

Getting schooled, Lamaze style.

2009-06-15T17:16:00.005-04:00

My baby drinks pee. This is what I’ve just recently learned. My baby is a pee drinker. Oh, you may giggle, motherfuckers, but guess what? You drank pee too. Yeah. Fo’ reals.

Last Monday, Abby and I attended our first Lamaze class. Lamaze, for all you mofos who have absolutely no clue what I’m talking about because you’ve obviously never seen an 80’s family sitcom before, is a childbirth technique focused on utilizing a woman’s natural movements and instincts during labor as an alternative to medical intervention for delivery. It was developed by French obstetrician Dr. Fernand Lamaze in the 1940’s and has become the single most common technique in the western world for, well, baby birthing.

But this class isn’t just focused on how to get the little one out, it also discusses what the tiny tyke is currently doing inside. And my kid . . . well, he’s apparently gulping down gallons and gallons of his own numero uno.

“Do you know what amniotic fluid is?” asks our chipper Lamaze instructor as she stands in front of 17 different couples who all definitely got laid at least once in the last nine months.

“It’s the fluid that surrounds and protects the baby while they’re still inside the mother’s womb,” chimes a far too fashionably dressed mommy-to-be at the left of me, clearly the class kiss-up.

“Yes. But do you know what it’s made of?” our instructor persists.

Heads turn to their lovers searching for a clue. No one answers.

“Pee,” our instructor gleefully responds as if she were actually saying something delicious like Kool-Aid cherry drink, hot chocolate fudge, or ice cream soup.

And the entire room gives a very quiet, but notable “Ewww.”

As it turns out, my baby, and all babies, are drinking junk-juice. Well, technically speaking, that is. It’s not actually urine, but it does get, um, distilled the same way. Its contents help develop all sorts of good things like lungs, digestive tracks, and the complex inner workings of the human body – stuff that regular pee doesn’t do if you were to digest it. But make no mistake, even though it is mad healthy, the liquid my kid is swimming in, sucking down, and using to make himself whole is all coming out his own baby-wang making it technically pee – magically body developing pee – but pee nonetheless. Thus the “Ewww”.

“Is this freaking you out?” my wife patronizingly inquires.

“No,” I retort. (Totally grossed out, yes. Freaked out, no.)

My wife just smiles. She tugs on my arm and begins squeezing it tight like she does whenever she holds onto an Ugly Doll. She gives me a tiny peck on the cheek as she quietly reveals “It’s gonna get worse.”

And as if on cue, our instructor jumps in with “It’s time for a video!”.

“You’re going to be okay with this, right?” my lady asks.

“Yes,” I reassure her. “I’ve seen TLC before.”

However . . .

“This isn’t like one of those TLC programs,” our instructor interrupts. “This video isn’t going to be censored. Nothing’s getting blurred out. Nothing’s hidden. There’s no tricky camera angles to conceal private parts here. Yes, you’re going to see it all. Yes, it's going to be graphic. Yes, it's going to show vagina.”

“I love vagina,” I silently mouth to my wife.

She punches my arm and rolls her eyes.

“This video is going to show you, up close, the beauty and splendor of childbirth, the miracle of human life, the gift of procreation.”

She drops a tape into a very dated TV/VCR combo machine, pushes play, and before us we see -

- Pause -

Have you ever been on a blind date with someone who’s been enthusiastically described as either interesting, funny, smart, or just a “really great person” as their main modifier? If you have then you know what it feels like to be fed complete bullshit before finding out that really interesting funny smart great blind date would actually fare a lot better if the term “blind date” meant dating the actual blind. With that in mind . . .

- Play -

What’s on this screen isn’t beautiful, splendiferous, or miraculous. It’s the sheer opposite. It’s a fucking grindhouse film stuck on the gore loop. Women are crying, blood and what looks like the slime used in “Ghostbusters 2” is everywhere, and I’m now hunkered over my seat taking in deep breaths.

I must be a horrible person, right? I must be a complete and utterly insensitive asshole for not being able to muscle watching this video. I am the stereotypical epitome of the bull-headed caveman who has zero respect for what women go thru cause I can’t watch. I am . . . uh, wait just a minute.

As I’m guilt-tripping big-time for not being able to keep my eyes open to witness the onscreen baby crown his way into life, I look around the room and see, not just the men, but every single lady in the room (excluding our instructor) physically reacting to this educational flick much in the same way every man in the universe reacts to watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. Like a baseball getting fastballed into some father’s unsuspecting crotch, all the almost-mommies in the room begin twisting, shifting, and squirming in their seats like someone had just set their lady parts on fire.

“Abby . . . are you going to be okay?” I patronizingly ask.

And she just glares at me . . . (Yes, as if it was my fault. Yes, I've clearly seen this glare before.)

As the video ends, our instructor addresses a very shell-shocked room. She smiles and inquires “Now who wants to talk about epidurals?”

Every hand raises.

After our very first Lamaze class, this is what I’ve learned:

Babies drink pee
Birthing babies hurt
As the guy in the relationship, my main task is support, as in to say supportive things while Abby is in labor.

Here’s some cheers I’m apparently not supposed to use:

That’s right, honey, birth the shit out that baby!
Make that baby your bitch, honey!
The hell with that baby! Who’s yo’ mommy!?!
Holy shit, what the fuck is happening down there!?!
This! Is! Sparta!!!

Yeah, apparently all those things are not what medical professionals consider appropriate supportive words during labor. Who knew?

Our next Lamaze class is tonight. Wish us luck.

COUNTDOWN TO THE RETURN OF FIGHT GIRL: Tix now on sale for the remount!

2009-06-10T13:28:00.021-04:00

Here we go, here we go, you sexy Beyondabsurdity reading muhfuckahs! Tickets for the much anticipated remount of “Fight Girl Battle World” is now officially on sale! Get them now cause they’re gonna go fast. I’ve clearly written alotta geeky shows before, but this one is clearly my single most crowd-pleasing. It has some of the best fight choreography I’ve ever done, an amazing hot cast, and showcases a ton of my favorite Vampire Cowboy stage tricks. The original run sold-out from head to toe in a matter of weeks and people went nuts over it. Cue the obligatory list of goodies:

8 NY Innovative Theatre Award Nominations
Including Outstanding Production, Direction, and Script
Winners for Outstanding Ensemble, Costumes, and Choreography

Helen Hewes Design Award Nomination

Critic picks from NYTheatre.com, Backstage, New Theater Corps, and OffOffOnline

. . . and review quotes like these!

So get your tickets now. Please? Pretty please? I promise you’ll have a good time. And if you’re thinking “I already saw it three times during the original run, why should I come again?”

Three reasons:
1. Jason Liebman (Men of Steel, Living Dead in Denmark) as Adon-Ra
2. Bonnie Sherman (Soul Samurai) as J’an Jah
3. Some brand new fights!

So come on and get you some! And don't forget to SPREAD THE WORD (You're the real reason why Vampire Cowboys stays so fun). For more information, go here!

But for all you hot Vamp Fans who wanna skip the info and get right down to being sexy, go here!

Zack Attack!

2009-06-09T14:02:00.000-04:00

Now this just completely warmed my early 90's heart . . .

A recommendation for and a short play about BB by James Comtois

2009-06-08T17:08:00.031-04:00

Just saw Nosedive Productions' INFECTIOUS OPPORTUNITY by my buddy James Comtois this past weekend and it was fucking excellent! Gorgeous writing (I'm talking the blackest of black comedies), clever direction, and it literally had some of the best acting performances I've ever seen in Indie Theater. I completely recommend it. It stars VC's very own Andrea Marie Smith (And she absolutely rocks in it). Go check it out at The Anti-Depressent Festival being produced in one of my favorite venues in the city, The Brick Theater. Go, go, go! There's only 3 more performances! And don't forget to vote for them for an IT Award (For serious, these guys deserve some recognition).

Bonus material: James aka Uncle Jimmy also wrote this very short play about Baby Badass over an email to me as well. Enjoy!

[ABBY and QUI come home from a night of theatre and find UNCLE JIMMY, their babysitter, covered in bruises, stifling the urge to cry.]

ABBY: What happened?

QUI: Yeah, man. What the hell?

[BABY BADASS shoots UNCLE JIMMY a "Be Smart" look]

JAMES: (Lip quivering) I . . . fell down some stairs . . .

D'oh!

2009-06-05T16:10:00.002-04:00

The stroller Abby and I finally ended up registering got recalled . . .

RIP Grasshopper

2009-06-04T12:01:00.002-04:00

DAVID CARRADINE
December 8, 1936 - June 3, 2009

A Canadian Zombie Flick?

2009-06-03T23:24:00.003-04:00

Trailer for "Pontypool", a Canadian zombie flick, which just had its very limited American release this past Friday. I love zombie flicks. And this one looks really good. It's playing at Cinema Village.

VC actors gone Manga?

2009-06-03T15:00:00.023-04:00

This past weekend, a group of our actors performed at Japan Day in Central Park doing a "live Manga fight demo". The piece was written and directed (as well as costumed and prop mastered) by Maureen Sebastian with herself, Paco Tolson, Jon Hoche, and Bonnie Sherman as actors with fights by yo' favorite yella playwright. Below is their performance (which I just found off of youtube). Seriously, these four are some of the most incredible actors I've ever worked with, which of course makes seeing them do something like this completely offbeat kid's event so incredibly fun. Enjoy!

Muay Thai vs Capoeira

2009-06-02T10:30:00.008-04:00

In case your Tuesday is feeling a bit dull, here's a quick injection of some awesome. It's the Muay Thai versus Capoeira fight from The Protector (2005) featuring Tony Jaa and Lateef Crowder. If you saw "Soul Samurai" back in February, it's clear that I've been infusing more and more of these two fighting styles into my fight choreography these days. I definitely enjoy the hard impact knees and elbow strikes of Muay Thai mixed with all the fun spinning fishtail kicks and attitude turns of Capoeira. Continuously adding new fight styles into the Vampire Cowboys' repertoire helps push myself and my actors into new realms with their skill sets as well as give our audiences a bit more splash amongst all the Kung Fu and katana work usually seen in our plays. I like to think that's what keeps our fights so exciting, you never know what new thing is gonna appear onstage. It's always fun figuring out what new style I'm gonna study and implement for the next show. Expect these two forms to stick around and evolve more for next season's Vampire Cowboys show along with a whole bunch of other new bloody fun. Maybe I'll even sprinkle some of it in for the "Fight Girl Battle World" remount coming in July. We'll see.

Moon

2009-06-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

This looks absolutely awesome. So good to see Sam Rockwell getting kudos for this one too. He's one of mine and Abby's favs.

Happy 200, CNI!

2009-05-31T23:14:00.008-04:00

Abby and I attended the special live recording of COMIC NEWS INSIDER's 200th episode this past weekend. As you may know, CNI is our favorite pop-culture podcast on the web and we've both had the honor of being guests on the show several times in the past. Michael Emerson (aka Ben Linus) from "Lost" was there this time around along with a slew of great comic book artists and writers including Vito Desante, Kevin Colden, Miss Lasko-Gross, and the very awesome John Cassady (The Astonishing X-Men, Planetary). As always, it was a blast geeking out with Jimmy and Joe.
Congratulations, CNI, from all of us at Vampire Cowboys! Here's to another 200! To listen to the show, click here!
Become a fan. You won't be disappointed.

A letter to my son in regards to the lies we've told him . . .

2009-05-29T12:45:00.011-04:00

Dear Son,

As you may have ascertained by now, during the course of your life, your mother and I have worked hard to bestow onto you many important and vital lessons to best help you mature into the fine adult you are today (Or teenager. Or advanced toddler. It really depends on when you get around to reading these letters). Besides making sure that you were loved, fed, and cared for, our single most important responsibility was to ensure that you’d end up with a strong set of principles, values, and morals to help guide you through your life. This has been our duty. This is why we talk so damn much to you in general.

However, truth be told, some of the things we have taught you have been, how do I say, a bit of bullshit. When you were small it was important that you learned certain lessons so you would be well behaved so that other parents wouldn’t glare at me and your mother with judgmental hostility. Sorry, we were being a bit selfish. However, now that you’re older, it’s time for us to come clean. Here’s some things that we lied about:

Fighting should always be used as a last resort.
The truth is, son, this all really depends on the asshole. Some people in this world just need to get their ass kicked. And though we taught you fighting should always be avoided for legal reasons (since you’re a fucking ninja afterall), there are certain instances when you may want to enact your mad kung fu skillz earlier rather than later. You may have already figured this out, but in case you haven’t, here’s a list of people who generally deserves a beatdown rather than a debate at first glance: racists, men who hit women, men who hit children, men who hit animals, men who hit gay men, men who hit gay women, most men with European accents who flirt with your wife, jackasses who talk about themselves in the third person by adding “the” in front of their first or last name making them “The Steve”, “The Fred”, “The Jacobson” or something equally as pretentiously annoying, fuckers who try to parallel park by driving forward into a spot, tall people who pat you on your head, short people who nail you in the face with umbrellas, dickheads who take up more than one seat on the subway, Dallas Cowboys fans, people who talk to you about the nutritional content of your food as you’re eating it, and almost anyone whose wardrobe is stocked primarily with items from Ambercrombie & Fitch (or your generation’s equivalent to A&F). These people all need asskickings immediately. Feel free to practice your sweet ninja moves on their skulls.

Making fun of people is mean.
This is generally true. But if it’s funny, sometimes it’s kinda worth it. But only, and I stress, only if it’s comic gold. Otherwise, you’re just an asshole who can’t land a joke. Don’t be that asshole, son. The truth is comic timing is far more crucial in life than courtesy. People tend to ignore the gracious guy who always waits his turn to talk, however everybody loves the gangsta who can win a “Yo Mama” battle. Be funny, not a fucker. But fair warning; don’t try to cut up too often. Those people also get annoying. Men over the age of 25 still acting like teenage “class clowns” by making fart sounds and generally jumping into people's faces during things like parties and Halloween parades also deserve a good dropkick to the chin.

Math is important
Besides adding, subtracting, multiplication, and division, the rest is really just kinda extraneous. I have yet to use anything like the Pythagorean Theorem or Polynomial Long Division for anything in my adult life. I’ve come to the conclusion that doing well in Algebra, Geometry, and Calculus only allows you to have a higher SAT score which will get you into a better college. That’s about it. However . . . smart women are hotter than dumb women and a better college would equal a greater density of much more smarter and hotter women for you to potentially date, so thusly . . . maybe we were right in the first place. Actually, I guess we were. So strike that. Math is important. Go work on your Trig.

Swearing is bad.
Clearly. Bullshit.

It’s important to try to get people to like you.
This is absolutely not true. Actually, the ability to be okay with the opposite is far more essential in life than the act of getting people to fancy you. The fact of the matter is there is nothing intrinsically good about being well-liked. It may make you feel good to be popular, but popularity does not equal any kind of existential value. For example, Hitler was extremely well-liked by his countrymen, but he is also obviously the single most wrong person in all of history. Thusly, it’s far more important to be right than well-liked. If I were to walk into a fundamental Christian church (circa 2009) and spoke my mind on why I think Prop 8 is bullshit, most people there would not like me very much. However I’d be right. And that is far more important. To come clean, we just told you the former so you wouldn’t beat up your fellow elementary school classmates for milk money. Afterall, we did raise you to be a badass, but had to be careful you did not veer into becoming a bully instead. There’s a huge difference. People want to fuck the badass, they only want to fuck up the bully. Do not be a bully. They definitely land in the category of “needing to get their ass beat immediately”.

I’m sure we fed you a lot of other half-truths in the course of your life, son. Please be assured that we were only doing it because, well, our parents did the same to us so we felt like it was the right thing to do with you. I mean, seriously, if it makes you feel any better, your grandparents told me the following:
1. Too much television and comic books will rot the brain
2. Nothing good can ever come from fighting
Looking at my professional resume, clearly both those sentiments are completely false.

Bottom line, son, parents lie to their children. Get over it. Be a good person. Don’t be a dick. Marry someone hotter and smarter than you (like your father did). Follow your dreams. That’s all that matters.

Much love,
Your Father

Damn straight

2009-05-28T13:11:00.000-04:00

Fuck a buncha Prop 8. Just sayin.

I'm excited about this . . .

2009-05-27T17:50:00.006-04:00

"V" was the absolute shit when I was a kid. It was maybe the only program in primetime that I dug even more than "Knight Rider" or "The A Team" back in the day. It had two of my three favorite sci-fi situations in it, alien invasions and post-apocalyptic survival (zombie infestations are my third). And it's WWII allegory blew my pre-pubescent mind away. Usually I'm pretty wary about remakes, but this one looks damn interesting (Having Firefly's Morena Bacarrin and Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the cast doesn't hurt either). Perhaps it's due to seeing the very excellent J.J. Abram's "Star Trek" movie, but I'm feeling pretty good about re-imaginings right now. Here's hoping the new incarnation can live up to the original.

Great Fake Green Lantern Trailer

2009-05-26T16:58:00.003-04:00

Wow, this is really neat. It's a fan-made trailer for a fictional "Green Lantern" flick using footage from "Firefly", "Castle", the new "Star Trek" film, a bunch of video game clips, as well as cuts from other fun sci-fi flicks. Good job, anonymous fake trailer maker guy. Good job.

Milky Way

2009-05-24T00:07:00.006-04:00

Absolutely gorgeous. This video, however, strangely makes me want to go see the new Star Trek movie again.

Fear Will

2009-05-22T15:01:00.011-04:00

Well, it’s official. Fear has now taken permanent residence in my psyche.

During the first six months of knowing I was gonna be a pop, the majority of my daydreams were relegated to fantasies about teaching my kid the ancient art of asskicking, instructing him how to handle his life of being hereditarily awesome, and the best ways to keep him humble after he wins the MacArthur Genius Award at the wee age of eight. These were the things I thought about when it came to my upcoming parenthood. But now with little Baby Badass’s due date quickly coming upon us in less than three months, my musings have suddenly shifted from how do I handle having the most awesome baby in all of existence to now just how the hell do I handle having a baby at all?

There’s a slew of fears currently attacking my brain.

The first being that I’m dying.

No, not in the immediate, but eventually. Eventually I’m a fucking goner. There’s no way around it. This by the way is the dark side of pregnancy. This is the shit they don’t write about in all those happy-go-lucky holistic baby books about your upcoming little miracle. For as much excitement as my soon-to-be BB will bring me, it seems everyone else on the planet wants to remind me that I’m now on the express track to dirtsville.

“Wow, you’re all grown up now, Qui. Have you started making out your will?”

“My will? Why should I be concerned with my will at this point?”

“Well, you’re about to be a father.”

“I know. And I plan on being a living one.”

“But what if something were to happen to you? What would become of all your assets?”

“I have no assets. I’m a poor playwright. Poor playwrights don’t have assets.”

“What about all your scripts?”

“You’d consider them assets?”

“Of course.”

“Someone should tell that to my parents.”

“Seriously, Qui, you should be thinking about your family. Your family deserves the security of a well-maintained will. You should have a plan in case of death. Face facts, Qui. You’re gonna die one day. Perhaps peacefully. Perhaps painfully. Perhaps even gruesomely. You never know when your final credits are set to roll. But regardless of how you may bite it, shouldn’t you control how your death will affect your loved ones?”

This by the way is the conversation I have with almost any adult who has any children above the age of ten. As happy as my older friends appear about my upcoming entrance into parenthood, they also seem to get a keen kick out of reminding me exactly how mortal as a motherfucker I’ve suddenly become. From “Yay baby” to “Let’s discuss all the horrible shit you need to start worrying about including the possibility of getting your neck broke at your next fight gig, getting hit by some sort of motorized vehicle, and the rainbow assortment of all the different types of cancers lurking out there to get you”, Qui the badass has suddenly become, in one fell ejaculation, Qui the fragile klutz who may break at any moment’s notice. I guess there’s nothing like a birth to remind me that there’s a six-foot deep hole waiting for me out there somewhere in the future. Hopefully in the distant future.

Along with the fear of the death knell bonging in the far background, the other worry worrying my frantic brain is the realization that I’m now getting old. Not old as in I’m needing assistance pooping and bathing myself, but old in the sense that no matter what I do or how young I may feel from this point forward, there will soon be a person on this planet that will always see me as an adult. That’s a weird thought to me. Regardless of my freakishly young looking yella face, regardless of how much I work out, or how much pop-culture nonsense I suck in or awesome coolness I may exude out, I will never be anything less than a full-on square-pegged grown-up to my child. The days of being the “young hotshot”, “the kid”, and “the upstart” are now behind me and that, my dear readers, is a uniquely strange reality to comprehend.

“This is no problem” my always rational father tells me as I’m trying to pull sympathy from him over the static of a long distance cell-phone call.

“What do you mean, dad? I could die. That’s scary. That’s fucking freaky. I don’t like it one bit.”

“But it is nothing, son. Really. You worrying too much about small thing.”

“What are you talking about ‘small thing’? It’s death, dad. The big sleep. Meeting my maker. The final bow. I love my life. I really do. I’m addicted to it. I don’t know what could be scarier than losing it.”

“Well, for one, your son could get sick.”

“What?”

“Or your wife. They could get sick or hurt. This is a possibility, no?” And suddenly every horrible thing that could ever happen to me seems a million times less important.

“Oh my god. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“That much scarier, correct? Now you beginning to understand what it meaning to be a father. You also beginning to understand why your mother and I sometime too overprotective when you growing up. You not knowing fear just yet. Along with an all new kind of love coming into your life, get ready for all new kind of fear also. Much worse than anything you ever experience before. You only thinking you badass in earlier life. Now, however, this is what taking real courage. This is what making you a real man.”

And he’s right. Every fiber in my body goes blue at the thought of anything happening to my baby or my bride. Already, even now as little BB is still chilling in the womb and my wife is perhaps a bit more moody than usual, I love these two individuals more intensely than I have almost anything else in this world. They’re my family and their lives now equal greater than my own. And as it turns out, I’m completely fine with that thought. It's as it should be.

“Now stop being big pussy, son! Go get your will done. It no big deal.”

Alright, Dad. I'll go do it. Just stop being such a square.

How It Should Have Ended

2009-05-21T17:00:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been to the website How It Should Have Ended? If you haven't, you should. They make funny vids. The vids below are two of my favs:

Political Correctness

2009-05-20T11:13:00.006-04:00

I quickly made this on Xtranormal. You should make one too. It's fun.

Fuck the Pain Away by . . . Miss Piggy

2009-05-18T09:23:00.003-04:00

Wow, move over Courtney Love, Miss Piggy is going hard.

A random handful of 80's PBS nostalgia

2009-05-17T03:22:00.005-04:00

As a clear indication that I was destined to grow up to be an uber nerd, when I was but a wee tot, I had a ravenous addiction to PBS educational shows. Like a stoner staring at the Discovery Channel, my prepubescent eyes were constantly jonesing for a daily dose of new knowledge coming from shows paid for by “viewers like you”. For an 8 year old me, the “three r’s” were crack and Lavar Burton was my pusherman.
So for this week's spot of random 80’s childhood nostalgia, I’ve collected a few intro’s from PBS’s educational greatests hits.

Bonus Material: Fraggle Rock Book Club Commercial (1987)

Classic

2009-05-17T00:50:00.003-04:00

Just cause I dig this song & vid a ton. Came out back in 2007 featuring Rakim, KRS One, Nas, and Kanye. Four generations of rap. Thoroughly good stuff.

Franklyn Trailer

2009-05-15T17:57:00.001-04:00

I have no idea if this movie is any good. Haven't seen it or heard of it. But this trailer is pretty kick ass. It's got my brain gears a'movin for next year's Vampire Cowboys show. You'll see why soon enough.

A letter to my son in regards to the birds and the bees . . .

2009-05-14T16:03:00.007-04:00

Dear Son,

One day you will sit down with your father and you will ask that age old question all children are bound to ask their parents, “Where do babies come from?”

And being your wise father who always knows exactly how to precisely and effectively explain everything, I will tell you, “From fucking.”

And not being aware of that expression because your mother and I will be very good about limiting our usage of words like fuck, fucker, fuck-face, fucktard, fuckwit, fuckilicious, fucktastic, fuckable, enfucklopeia, motherfucker, muthafuckah, muhfucka, mindfucked, brainfucked, assfucked, earfucked, punchfucked, mouthfucked, throatfucked, grungefucked, hatefucked, dumbfuck, milf, fubar, omfg, fuckaluckadingdong, and the aforementioned “fucking” around you during your childhood, you will innocently ask “What’s that, dad? Is fucking like a place? Like Peking or Beijing?”

And I will say “No, son. Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, Peking and Beijing are the same exact location. That’s a poor use of examples.”

“Then what is fucking?”

This is when I will pause, sit back in my chair, perhaps light a tobacco pipe, and reflect back on when my father told me about the birds and the bees and how that informed all my sexual decisions growing up. And because he was so careful on explaining the harmonious connection between love and lovemaking, though I went through a very substantial “male-whore” phase as a young adult, I still managed to be completely STD free by the time I met your mother. And this, son, is why I grew up such a healthy and well-adjusted adult.

However, then I’ll realize . . . wait just a fuckin’ minute, my dad never told me anything about the birds and the bees. He just grabbed the “S” volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica off the shelf, threw it in front of me, and said “read”. Which was actually quite informative. I wrote a book report on it later and got an “B plus” on it. “Why not an A?” “Too long. I found so much great information, I put it all in. Overkill.”

Remembering this, I will tell you to “Go look it up, son. That’s why God invented the internet.”

And you will. And you’ll be shocked at what you find for everyone is shocked the first time they witness porn. And afterwards you will go to me and bashfully ask “This is what you and mom did to make me?”

“Yes, son. That’s exactly what we did. Plus some other stuff that had nothing to do with procreation but felt good anyways.”

This image will disgust you for no child wants to imagine their parents bumping uglies. No. This will make you nauseated and you will then angrily proclaim, “Fuck that! I’m never having sex!”

And I will laugh. And you will cry. And I won’t care because in the long run, you will be wrong.

And this, son, is why robots are destined to rule us all . . .

Much love,
Your father

This looks bloody fun . . .

2009-05-14T00:30:00.014-04:00

Definitely badass, but I'd still put money that my Lady Samurai would kick their Lady Samurai's ass any day of the fuckin' week. Cause mine's got soul power. Fo' reals.

Damn, I miss that show . . .